Danse Macabre-

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."

-Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, Aphorism 146

(Dostoevsky, Kierkegaard, Nietzsche or Kafka? Whom shall I pay the most heed?)

Listening to Totentanz, and tomorrow will be reminded of the light by Tchaikovsky...

sono vicino la ferma?

(I assess the power of a will by how much resistance, pain, torture it endures and knows how to turn to its advantage.)


Friedrich Nietzsche

gasoline

for he has not despised or abhorred the afflictions of the afflicted, and he has not hidden his face from him, but has heard, when he cried to him-

when these violent delights meet violent ends-

(C#m, tell yourself as you're searching the ground, nobody cares, nobody cares-)

"If affection is made the absolute sovereign of a human life, the seeds will germinate. Love, having become a god, becomes a demon." (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves)

Abba, Father, Daddy, King, -

How does one battle not the plights of circumstance, but the inertly fallen curse of love? To be in want of affection? How, indeed? For it is not the condition, situation or incident that is my demon, it is the ghost of things had, things longed for; things remembered violently that angst me. It is the inner core of a struggle against the give-love, and the need-love, the selfishly and selflessly created hurt in a masochism of hope.

This hope is killing you, Diana.
Well, dum spiro, spero- As long as I breathe, I hope.

And Neitzsche...Hope is the worst of evils, because it prolongs the torment of a man...

Dearest friend, you were so alone, and aren't we all-

Bipolarity. Perverted dichotomies of what should be and what is. The wheels in my mind will always turn a certain way, whether I will them to or not. It's inert, I can't change it, but I can't accept it, I won't forfeit myself to this legion, even as they all scream my name in regards to the lack of solidarity and curse of HOPE-and then, what is left?

The same as you: more confusion, torment and hopelessness than when I began.
b u t g o d -

(hope
in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God)-

are your wonders known in this place of darkness-oh God, but they are-

(and i've lost who i am, and i can't understand why my heart is so broken, this rejecting Your love)-

ALL SAID AND DONE I STAND ALONE, ALONE, AND IT'S BETTER THIS WAY

all said and done i stand alone
amongst remains of A LIFE I SHOULD NOT OWN
it takes all i am to believe in the mercy that covers me

god(please)damn this black night, god(won't You)damn the daylight
it's too much to bear my load and your weights too
i can't hack it, i remember now why selfish happens

what.i.have.set.before.you.is.not.too.difficult.for.you.

God you have given me intellect, you have given me choices, you have given me
resistance and a way out, escape route-
but these agonies show no light in the end of this drain
all i have is the fading light deep inside, so dim i can barely make it out
you've robbed me of my senses, i pray that when all external perception fails and fades
You will still be there, throwing traffic cones in my direction, screaming
LOOK OUT, THE END IS NEAR, DON'T GO, DON'T GO, DON'T GO,

and somewhere, someone will be violently whispering
with the purest voice

take heart, little Christy,
For I Have Overcome The World-

sirens at night in cold air

we are the cancer, yes
we are the virus
tell me it's not too late, oh God,
tell me it's not too late-

and pretending i don't feel misplaced-

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
PRETENDING I DON'T FEEL MISPLACED-
It's so much simpler than change

[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

-Chester wrote this one.

I HAVE FELT THE SAME.

catch your breath hit the wall
scream out loud as you start to crawl
back in your cage the only place
where they will leave you alone
because the weak will seek the weaker until they've broken them
could you get it back again
Would it be the same?
fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense
left you with no defense they tore it down and

I HAVE FELT THE SAME AS YOU
I HAVE FELT THE SAME AS YOU
I HAVE FELT THE SAME-

locked inside the only place
where you feel sheltered where you feel safe
you lost yourself in your search to find
something else to hide behind
the fearful always preyed upon your confidence
did they see the consequence when they pushed you around
the arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
breaking them 'til they've become just another crown

refuse to feel, anything at all
refuse to slip, refuse to fall
can't be weak, can't stand still
watch your back
because no one will

you don't know why they had to go This far
TRADED YOUR WORTH FOR THESE SCARS
for your only company
don't believe the lies that they told to you
Yeah not one word was true you're alright,
you're alright, you're alright

-Simon

2.3.

choking out to such a piano riff,
i try to snap back to reality
and witness the bile that characterizes this situation
this cycle of love and madness
and i'm fallin and ballin so hard the breath is a joke

I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regret

the same song/the same muse/the same shipwreck-

these choices long prior made and decided
are killing me,
and today when the old friend told me
"diana, this hope is killing you"
i listened
and knew
that unless something changed,
he was right.

THE THINGS WE LAID DO NOT AMOUNT TO MUCH-

we are the fake,
we are the damned
and the damned will not be heard here
any longer

and,

That's when it turned on me
A motorcade of 'meant to be's'
Parades of beauty queens
Where soft entwines make kindling
These many detailed things
LIKE BROKEN NAILS AND PLASTIC RINGS
Will win by keeping me
From speaking to my new darling
And there's no way to know
Our future foe scenarios
That's when it turned on me
Where bobby pins hold angel wings

w h e r e a r e y o u g o i n g

this [apprehensive] carefree could very possibly
be more dangerous than this recent affliction,
and yet i find myself remaining here-

g o d b l e s s t h e l o s t c a u s e s

Trois Pensées

Un: Wet piano keys are not the answer

Deux: i'm soddingly tired of this testing of faith

Trois: god[please]damn this inhumanistic dependence

"trust your souls to a faithful creator in doing what is right."

HOW?

i am still here

"I call this Divine humility because it is a poor thing to strike our colours to God when the ship is going down under us; a poor thing to come to Him as a last resort, to offer up 'our own' when it is no longer worth keeping. If God were proud, He would hardly have us on such terms: but He is not proud, He stoops to conquer, He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him, and come to Him because there is "nothing better" now to be had."

-Clive Staples Lewis, The Problem of Pain (1940)

Father God, Forgive me. In this rare moment of clarity, I cannot believe it, I cannot see it, and yet I earnestly ask:
If it takes this torment and strife to feel your presence cradling my very soul, to where yet again i find you sheltering me in the shadow of your wings, I ask you would keep me here for as long as it takes. There is beauty in this rain, it is so beautiful, because, in a sense, I am seeing Your compassion in a way like I never have before...

there is no rest

life feels different when you're wasting affections

there may be no rest, but there is always hope-

THERE'S ALWAYS A SIREN SINGING YOU TO SHIPWRECK (but God, and one year later) -

8.28.09 - 9.15.10
so much has changed; so much remains the same-

We spoke of wrists that burn, loves that leave gaping holes, and a gentler day to come; we shared the space, making plans of friendship and hope, and I kissed her on the shoulder-

God-

(it's me again).

I was not aware that feeling such a multitude of different emotions/opinions/affections was indeed possible by a lowly human. Am I simply a lover of sights and sounds, or may I somehow achieve a transcendent knowledge of You, so that when I find myself thrashing for help, I may know in the raw core of myself that You are there?

(she appears composed, so she is, i suppose. who can really tell) -

Christ my trials are lofty, and comical in the face of the stripes you bore. And what do I bare these lines for? Who am I helping endure? How can I further your kingdom? Oh God, if somehow this could only be for Your glory-

I paint these words and play these notes in vain if I may not come out the better in the end, Father they say I am strong (God is good and you are strong) but how? I see her scars and i feel them, why can't we fix each other? The breath comes in gasps/the lone tear blackens the face/the existential loneliness hides under the bones and i need you more than yesterday,

(when i'm at the pearly gates, this will be on my videotape)

Daddy the flesh screams to me, and I don't want to be this vulnerable. The fluttery feelings have flown but the deep seeded rejection remains, I don't want to be the lover they don't have to love, the circles whisper as does the blade-the dull scissors as a precaution to preserve the life that a few have placed so much hope in-
(Christ what if i only let them down?)

i am so easily given/i am so easily taken and by this she means the same thing-

(don't reach out, don't reach out, don't reach out, there's always a siren singing you to shipwreck, Diana)

I am writing without aim. But will somehow be alright -do you see it? She's still singing- because I choose now to serve Him, God is hiding me in his shadow, and I will make it. I will forgive those who hurt me, and I will love them more than I could ever imagine, and Christ will make the impossible circumstance beautiful and He will use it to his glory (God, I beg you, use this pain to your glory, do not let me weep in vain-)

My family. My loved ones, my friends. My voice.
My grades and discipline. Money.
The wrists that scream.
The flesh that calls.

God I give you these things, are earnestly beg you to take them and fix them in ways I have attempted and failed for 24 years. Father take this shoddy echo of a life and give it purpose. May my voice please you again. May you hold my heart and use it to love others in the way you have called me to. Jesus, you promised me you'd be with me, even unto the end of the age. Father, please hold me close and still my breaths-

No matter what happens now
I won't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day
I've ever seen

humanity, you never had it anyway

oh clove, the moon and the Cure
this portuguese dark rhythym breathes sordid beats in my ears
i have so much to say and absolutely no way to say it
what have i done to bring about this curse

i'll tell you what i did,
i looked for it in all the wrong places
everything i hear is like liquid smoke
which forms ecstasy and agony entwined
how do i make it go, how do i make it go,
how do i feel indifferently

why aren't my eyes black enough, i have never lied to you,
but, if we are being honest here, i suppose
i have also never told you anything true

o, let me tell you what i've done
o, if i could whisper you what i've done

you wouldn't believe me if i told you
and worse

it wouldn't matter

justanothercreaturedizzywithlove

road flies under too fast
karen o screams from this lung
red ash caught in my eyelid
and i cannot make them black enough

i'm running fast without a map
not even a compass to reign me in
this is fear
and if perfect love drives that out
i have never known love before

isis isis isis black and red/fucked by the muse/if even the savior has suffered confusion is there any hope for me hope for me hope for me no,

oh but this cross,

i know it now,

i shall never leave this muse that tempts and dies to find me damned (and this muse is truly but sin)
until things make sense for the first time, because
i am so easily given (to all)
i am so easily taken (with the muse)
and by this i mean the same thing-

oh but this cross, i cannot shake it, it's there, brighter than all these tears,
more terrible and beautiful and quiet and thrashed and tranquil, oh but this cross-

it screams to me in the softest voice,
take heart, little christy,

for I have overcome the world.

she's still singing-

i've got the joy, joy, joy, joy

i knew it when you showed me this song.
i knew it when i first played this song.
and i know it now:

i can't understand
and i can't pretend
that this will be alright in the end
so i'll try my best
and lift up my chest
and i'll sing above this

joy.

Hope IN God, for I shall again praise Him.

this same accidental art, and dearest friend:

oh give me chemical, chemical.
this has no reason or rhyme, it will just come.
but sod the formalities.

I cannot write like you, but if you will humor me, I’ll tell you what I know.

If you scratch my surface, I will be smiling when I see you. I bring people together through my music and sometimes controversial conversations, and I am always willing to purchase a cassette of what I think you might like. I have an impeccable ear for pitch, and I strive to excel in school. The trunk of my car is always messy, even when I clean the rest of it. I like to take pictures as much as anyone else, and though I have black hair, I am energetic and often the center of a burst of laughter.

There is something I can’t share as easily. More often than not, there is a bloody plethora of ideas/tensions/confusion/pain circling around between my ears, and I do not know how to get it out. I can be curt with you, I can be rude, reactive, seemingly unfeeling, or distant, but I cannot articulate what’s there. There is something at work that prevents me from simply conveying what I need to. You, soul, know what's there-what has us smiling genuine one moment and writhing in rose agony the next... This seductive demon muse who whispers foul nothings in our ear and waits for us to crack- It’s the biggest mother fucking curse, and it falls on someone like me, who needs to communicate and impart and connect. Why would God place such a passion inside, an utter lust to share their thoughts, in someone without the gift of expression? God, why?
(the best part is, that on the surface, they see how I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t, actually. If they just only knew.)


What I’m writing is bullshit, nothing more than you view of yours, but you understand how sometimes, if you don’t throw it up anyway, the pacifying alternatives hurt more than just yourself.

The worst is, I could get there. I could be close to conveying a beauty, something worth while, something bigger than this. But Christ how? My music now, is mediocre. Decent at best. But that’s not the pain-the pain is what I could be and that i cannot ascertain how to reach it.

Then there are the post-demons. I am haunted by the memories, like you. The conglomeration of bleeding out from the release, having something so precious stolen at 19 on the trunk of a car, and, following the loss, freely giving what was meant to be so different-and now writhing and weeping on the floor of the shower, the face wet so as to hide the truth in the face-Oh Christ, what have we become?

And now, oh God, the courage of my memory. Do you see it? She’s still singing-

Catch your breath hit the wall scream out loud as you start to crawl back in your cage
The only place where they will leave you alone
Because the weak will seek the weaker until they've broken them
Could you get it back again
Would it be the same fulfillment to their lack of strength
At your expense, left you with no defense they tore it down and
I have felt the same as you, I've felt the same as you, I've felt the same

Locked inside the only place
Where you feel sheltered where you feel safe
YOU LOST YOURSELF IN YOUR SEARCH TO FIND,
SOMETHING ELSE TO HIDE BEHIND
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence
Did they see the consequence when they pushed you around
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown

Refuse to feel, Anything at all refuse to slip, Refuse to fall
Can't be weak, Can't stand still you watch your back,
Because no one will...
You don't know why they had to go this far
TRADED YOUR WORTH FOR THESE SCARS, YOUR ONLY COMPANY-
Don't believe the lies that they told to you
Not one word was true you're alright, You're alright,
You're alright

and i leave you with this bloody bandage and yet unmistakable will:

Because the Screams of Romeo Are No Longer Heard, And Because this Daphne Was So Cruel, I Cannot Scream Loud Enough.

But, because the truth will not stand hidden, hope in God, for I shall again praise Him.

when my own music does bring these fates

o lovers in the dark you do move and i do see you
the woman on the wall she only haunts me evermore
her face/themuse/ i'd die to be
stunning gentlemen soft and mysteriously

oh daughters hide your faces softly,

SEE THIS FLAMING TORCH IT BURNS ME SO
WHEN THIS ASHEN EMBER GLOWS
AND THIS FEVER CHILD IS RUNNING SHAMED
EYES ARE BLEEDING RED

see this rotten log crumble above me
see my palms up to the sky
eastern winds are blowing violent
when the coeans are all dry

see these bruises pushing on my eyes
see my spirit broken fade
children's wails and empty caskets
leave you wanting where he laid-

OH DAUGHTERS HIDE YOUR FACES SHOFTLY
MOTHERS SHEILD YOUR SONS
WHEN RED SKIES BURN AND FEVERS BLOSSOM
WILL WE MAKE IT PAST THE END-

GOD! THE COURAGE OF MY MEMORY (yes, i've memorized it all).

and what courage does this humility take, is it then?
Dammit Diana, GOD IS HERE-
she's still singing, DO YOU SEE IT?
SHE'S STILL SINGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes, i've memorized it all: the courage of my memory.

Why burn poor and lonely under a bowl.
Under a lampshade or on the shelf
Beside the bed where at night
You lay turning like a door on it's hinges?
(First on your left side, then on your right side, then your left side again)
WHY BURN POOR AND LONELY?
Tell all the stones, we're gonna make a building.
We'll cut into shape & set into place or you'd rather be a window,
I'll gladly be the frame reflecting any kind of words.
We'll let in all the blame
(And ruin our reputation all the same)
Never mind out plan making,
We'll start living......anyway,
Aren't you unbearably sad?
Then why burn so poor and lonely?

We'll be like torches
we'll be like torches
We'll be torches together! torches together
well be like torches
we'll be like torches
With whatever respect, our tattered Dignity demands
Torches together, hand in hand

Why pluck one string - What good is just one note?
Oh, one string sounds fine i guess....We were once 'One Note',
We were lonely wheat quietly ground into grain
(What light and momentary pain!)
SO WHY THE SAFE DISTANCE, THIS CURIOUS LOOK?!
Why tear out single pages when you can throw away the book?
Why pluck one string when you can strum the guitar?
Strum the guitar!
strum the guitar!
strum the guitar!
With no beginning, with no end
Take down a guitar and strum the guitar
strum the the guitar if you're afraid,
And I'M afraid and EVERYONE'S afraid
And everyone knows it but

WE DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID ANYMORE

(i've got the joy, joy, joy-----)

and while this peace cries havoc in my soul

i am confused
the clock rings now ever too confident
tomorrow i will be naked and a child again
and i am afraid.

i am also convinced that there is nothing like abiding in the shadow of the almighty.
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him.

what i'm speaking means more to me than how i say it

hot red clouds through the rear-view mirror give away Your presence far too well,
which is good,
because looking under
and inside
these dusty nooks and crannies
of my sin-
it is much harder to find You there.

odd how i can find and lose You in these siren songs, these fire nights,
this tempted seclusion,
the blessed isolation that i can make for myself if i just live a little softer

those guitar strings always speak so quietly, as does He,
but it is intriguing how much more beautiful your words do sound
if i must only take the time to listen closer.

Is Victory Ours (A Twelve Percent Royalty)

tell me how to erect a wall
teach me how to build a blockade

tell me how to ignite a flame
teach me how to begin a war

cause this road isn't walked by you alone
no this way won't be trod alone

a cry

none of it makes sense, if only i had a gold coin
for every time i want to give in and say
none of this makes any sense to me
He's ever present, i know this now
but it does not erase the quandry that absolutely nothing makes sense to me
so i'll just bathe in the suspension and
wait for another sodden pacification to hold me down

ISAIAH 53:3

HE WAS DESPISED AND REJECTED OF MEN
A MAN OF SORROWS AND ACQUAINTED WITH GRIEF
AND AS ONE FROM WHOM MEN HIDE THEIR FACES
HE WAS DESPISED
and we esteemed him not.

Isaiah tugs on my bones in the dying body
but i can only thrash for this comprehension unattainable
for me it is all too far removed
i can't understand your exegesis
i only know i must draw nearer to the one who took it for me
because HOW DEEP THE FATHER'S LOVE FOR US
i cannot understand that i was there, i was there, O Christ I was there and
remain there daily
[Judas sold you for thirty, I'D HAVE DONE IT FOR LESS]

what could i possibly ever do to warrant this affection
as i listen to these voices sing sanctus
i cannot understand i am finally speechless there is nothing
but these haunting melodies and the image of your beautiful face
taking it for me, when there weren't words to ask for it
i shall never attain this knowing here
seventy times seven today i've let you down, i've turned my back on it all
but i am still here; you were here all along; there is a tomorrow;
soon the children will look to the eastern sky,
but until then,



Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in exelsis Deo.

PUSH THE PANIC SWITCH

I'M WAITING AND FADING AND FLOATING AWAY
I'M WAITING AND FADING AND FLOATING AWAY
I'M WAITING AND FADING AND FLOATING AWAY
WAITING AND FADING AND FLOATING

THE PAINT ON MY LEGS DOES NOT LAST LONG ENOUGH
THE SMOKE IN MY LUNGS DOES NOT BURN DEEP ENOUGH
THE LINE ON MY SKIN DOES NOT FADE FAST ENOUGH
THE SCREAMS THAT ARE SILENT I CANNOT MAKE HEARD, BUT


...O LOVE THAT WILL NOT LET ME GO
I REST MY WEARY SOUL IN THEE...

OH JOY YOU SEEK ME THROUGH THE PAIN
I CANNOT CLOSE MY HEART TO THEE
I TRACE THE SOLACE THROUGH THE RAIN
AND FEEL THE PROMISE IS NOT VAIN
THE MORN SHALL TEARLESS BE

of this attempt to see.

stranded this night in brick lane

all those men in their fancy suits
although i do love to hate them
their smell intoxicates on the evening train home
they are secretly dying
they do not know what it is they are standing for

all those girls with their coal eyes and bangs
the boys with tight pants and black sneakers
they are reading bukowski
and sensing there is something better
they do not know what it is they are standing for

i am coming closer to
knowing what it is i am standing for

sav/krk/jank/megan/thomas

As I shimmied in a skirt through the hole in the glass window pitifully to get a better glimpse of local crew 'burning candy,' your lovely faces passed through my mind as I contemplated one of the final scenes in Ghost (in which the antagonist dies via a broken window crashing down to cut off his head).

You all would have been proud (or shook your head and said under your breath, “Idiot.”) Not as glamorous as slumming in the drains of the east end or risking going down the subways, but I did nearly step on a rat.

Much love to you all.

these altered months

all this incredible shift and change
makes me want to aimlessly shake this skull back and forth
and back and forth until this stained reality
doesn't make sense
and doesn't need to

what is this happiness that is yet discontent

these people which have taught me
these lovers which have shaped me
they move and yet i cannot touch them
they are slipping away and i cannot touch them

trapped in the middle of a one way love
who am i to fight this down


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMFAVLCUaok

daphne

take your love away
take your love away

so take me as my enemy
and i'll come and go as you please
but i'll stay
stay

take your love away,
take your love away

missed mark. fallen short. day late and buck short. failure..

THIS OWN COMPLACENCY MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT

AND I HAVE FAILED

o love that will not let me go

you may wish better than me/i cannot wish better than you

It happened one day
One morning when he woke me
It was the boy I had seen on the train, so many years ago
But now his face was ragged, the deep wrinkles sagged those old wise eyes
And when he bent down to whisper in my ear, his face reflected light like this lost city-
“THESE HOLES WHICH HAUNT WILL NEVER LEAVE-AND YOU WILL WEAR THEM
UNTIL YOU LOVE THEM.”
He must’ve seen the fear in my eyes, because with that, he went from my bedroom
And I have not see him since.

And as I lie there in that fright
I could not help the cringe and the shudder of my frame withdrawing
These poorly lit thoughts on overcast morns are so dangerous; and
I wondered:
Why has she drifted so far from safe and the great gig in the sky-
I wondered:
Where have the songs that manage to liberate themselves from my cautious fingers hidden-
And now for this I stumble and mourn:

Will he ever find what he is searching for?


THESE HOLES DO BIND THESE HOLES DO BREAK
I KNOW MY SOUL THIS ART WILL TAKE
AND IN THESE SPACES WE HAVE LAIN
OH GOD THEY HAVE ALL BEEN IN VAIN
I'VE SOLD MYSELF AND OFFERED MORE
I'VE WATCHED IT BURN AND PLAYED THE WHORE
THESE VOIDS THAT TAUNT I CANNOT CALL
MY ART WILL COME AS SHE DOES FALL

bloody bandage and a tarnished will

Because the Screams of Romeo Are No Longer Heard, And Because this Daphne Was So Cruel, I Cannot Scream Loud Enough.


To justify these liasons would be the gravest sin
Commited thrice before/can you believe/I was counted witness
I saw those things, and breathed those things
The rank smells, the awkward filth
What has possessed you to dream I could not understand

so because you are so egotistically selfish,
leave her and take her until she bleeds-maybe then
YOU WILL HAVE YOUR SODDEN SANCTIFICATION-

You’re so broken.
So, for now, just trace her trackmarks
And wait till you go home.
I will be damned before I let you
torment me again.

these chasing furies daunt me still and yet-

too much wind on my face and i'm losing it all or actually
i believe i might be going forward:
except that nothing i create will ever be good enough for you
nothing could ever earn that respect
nothing could be that far removed from the box

what would happen if i realized i didn't need it
what would occur if i left something bigger fill this god-shaped hole
(oh how i love to fill it
with the dirty fleshes of now)

what if i didn't give in to it-
what if i told it to scram because i'd found something, lasts forever,
or rather, it had found me?

these chasing furies daunt me still
and yet i have seen the end and
i will not back down

idontweep.doyou

it's all a bit bit hazy here-
stormclouds threaten this disposition
how long will she keep it up?

put me in a trance to all that occurs
how would i deal otherwise
such love abounds, but from such earthly spheres

how does the beat continue when people leave
people stop people die
how do i look through the same glasses
when there is no response

i am so easily given i am so easily taken and by this i mean the same thing

hours and hours of toil and frustration
all the greats now thrice consulted
have brought me to this damp dark mess
where insecurity boasts and masks itself
i refuse to hide this hope any longer-
Friend or foe could you please tell me,
what is this love that is stronger than death
(oh God i know it is)

this dark hiding from Him and crying out to anything else
this blindness of no rest no peace no end
this uneasy shortness of breath, shall i never rid myself
shall i never leave this
scoffing and laughing and spitting as He is pierced
shall i let Him remain there daily with my woe and inability
to accept what is freely given?

why is it so difficult to leave myself
and go to the cross
and His life
inviting the very least of these
the filthy and ugly and childlike and lame
why cannot i simply turn to Him
i am superior in all praises here
clinging to the dirt grime and idolatry
how many idols have i found,
i am so easily given
i am so easily taken
and by this i mean the same thing

shall i never leave this muse that tempts
and dies to find me damned

why should i gain from what i wrestle to accept?
and yet have i gained everything

.

i am beginning to wonder.

19 years old, coworker party.
would it all have been different,
would she have been different,
if he had not stolen this?

weakest breath, loudest no
and not a shred of evidence.

this lame giant that is love

more than sick of this

duality

this dichotomy offends me
how silly would you be
to not realize it is you
its you that all of this is for
nearly a year now

painstakingly trying to avoid
seeing the other
stomach church i've tried to avoid
go from me/torment me still
i pray and thrive and sing and shake
if i could write away all that we've given up
all that we lost together
sweat and this and nails and God i'd die to forget
but you forget don't you,
how YOU ARE STILL WHOLE


these damnable scars aren't getting any lighter

in response

it is the fight that so many hearts have fought and lost
for ten thousand years
and yet i feel as if i am suffering through it for
the very first time
heart stolen over this for 8 months now, and ever so much longer
but i shall not tell a soul
just run and run and run and run
and run and hear that harmony
God please don't take this harmony

the rainbow which dared bare only black and grey

where eros and agape have met
and intertwined in the same shamed darkness
something that cannot be stated will occur

HOW CAN I SURVIVE
WITH ANY LESS THAN THIS-

9 April 2009/12:38am

but sleep will not be sought
and it is because of this:

you lie there in your bed, rhythmically rocking to the soft tones
awe so intense it suffocates
a world without satisfaction or pacification
how did God create a thing such as this
how do i endure such a light as this

we are creatures of logic, and creatures of hate
but give me love over, love over this

as i listen to this gregorian chant
i know that i cannot handle much more
soon it will take over, these ancient voices deep
it will win and i will lose
either you will win or you will lose

what would happen if the music won
you need needles and mirrors
i have my own intoxication and it is so much deeper-

i am guilty-and
BY GOD I WILL NOT BE LEFT BEHIND/

torment of least importance

i have come to an unsettling conclusion.

i have absolutely no God-given idea what constitutes good art, good music, good anything.

sure, it's about truth, and what i make of it in some regards, but who the hell wants me justifying their creation?

there's no black and white, and it is safe to say that this torments me.

the last thing i want is the people around me, or the media, forming my opinion on what is justifiably good or bad. but then who does? when God seems so far, how do I come to these opinions and correct conclusions? don't tell me that piss in a jar is bad and a Degas is good. who decides this?

MAYBE THIS IS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. but as i said, it's safe to say it torments me.

how will my art ever be worthwhile if i can't even tell what's good or bad?
why is all my music so damnably safe?
how do i even understand who i am when
EVERYTHING IS RELATIVE.

perso nella vita-ma è cosi

you've brought them such joy-
and now you're crying

perché l'è correndo sempre-
why is she always running-

seeking a stillness that will not and never yield.

playing this old song it has been done before
salt like after a cold kiss not sure how to proceed
stop at the gas station choose your poison
then retreat quickly-it's no use-head for the word
watch some frames and wait for the next thing

thrash the beaten guitar against the wall becausebecausebecausebecause
where's the point in this anyway?

oh, thank you for the record
you're right. it is one of my favourites.

i wonder how many miles i can run
how many humans i can please
how many wretched and safe-oh heart they are all so miserably safe-songs i can sing

these god forsaken chords are bruising my fingers
and making my eyes bleed
your hands they move and but i shall never touch them

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD

till i only dwell in thee

Shall i risk it all,
O Lord of deepest waves-
Shall i follow the music I have desired
the very most from the start
or must i remain content and silent
simply being still and knowing
that you are God,
and I have naught to fear.

This, my solitary vision,
till I only dwell in Thee.

damn the black night

i remember when i felt like that-
dirt free glorious-those braids-
but can i actually-



God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime
Remembering when you were mine
In a still suburban town

When every thursday I'd brave those mountain passes
And you'd skip your early classes
And we'd learn how our bodies worked

Damn the black night with all it's foul temptation
I become what I always hated
When I was with you then

We looked like giants in the back of my grey subcompact
Fumbling to make contact
As the others slept inside

And together there
In a shroud of frost, the mountain air
Began to pass from every pane of weathered glass
And I held you closer . . .

he is there-slightly to the right of centre.


-me and ben

the one who fears is not made perfect in love-

when may i cry justly, and when must the child grin and bear it? what is love, and what is pride? why is love the absence of fear. does such love exist, and how can i do this? how can i give of myself without giving myself? will i ever learn such a selfless sacrifice?



"Worlds Apart"

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart


I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remain"
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remains"
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

-dan haseltine

there were too many W's

"How singular is the thing called pleasure, and how curiously related to pain, which might be though to be the opposite of it...yet he who pursues either is generally compelled to take the other; their bodies are two but they are joined by the same head."

-that Socrates

silly booked ramblings and the awkward cafe
take me back to a time i don't remember men

The Most Precious Lullaby

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, AND I WILL ANSWER HIM;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

Psalms 91

the black swan

The sun is fallen and it lies in blood
The moon is weaving bandages of gold
O Black Swan where oh where is my lover gone
Where oh where is my lover gone

Torn and tattered is my bridal gown and my lamp is lost
With silver needles and with silver threads
The stars stitch a shroud for the dying sun
O Black Swan where oh where has my lover gone

Don't you hear your lover moan
Eyes of glass and feet of stone
Shells for teeth and weeds for tongue
Deep, deep down in the river's bed
He's looking for the ring
Eyes wide open, never asleep
He's looking for the ring

The spools unravel and the needles break
The sun is buried and the stars weep
O black wave, O black wave, take me away with you
Take me down to my wand'ring lover
With my child unborn
With my child unborn.

-Il est tombe le soleil sanglant

their eyes are all sewn closed

The god sighs low as he looks round

The ignorant dandies prancing to and fro

Laughing like monsters

The daughter hides beneath the world

Stealing whispers softly and cringing loud

Their eyes are all sewn shut

And even the best of them will never see her, see her

How long can she stare before her eyes begin to bleed

Her eyes are always burning

if you only knew the plans they had for us

sh' ees fallin up
guards her prey like mary
TRACKMARKED amoeba lands craft

take your child away take you child away
keep fallin up e meglio di fallin away

what is the difference
is there a significant change in this wasted passion
this wasted life, this wasted girl.

give me a minor 3rd and someone to play it
but take it all away first and let us
baste in our tragedy

Belief and Technique for Modern Prose

1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for your own joy
2. Submissive to everything, open, listening
3. Try never get drunk outside your own house
4. Be in love with your life
5. Something that you feel will find its own form
6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
7. Blow as deep as you want to blow
8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind
9. The unspeakable visions of the individual
10. NO TIME FOR POETRY BUT EXACTLY WHAT IT IS
11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest
12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you
13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition
14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time
15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolouge
16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
17. Write in recollection and amazement for yourself
18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
19. Accept loss forever
20. Believe in the holy contour of life
21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
22. Don't think of words when you stop but to see picture better
23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge
25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it
26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
27. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness
28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
29. You're a Genius all the time
30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven

Kerouac, Belief and Technique for Modern Prose

and we hid our faces from him

HE IS DESPISED AND REJECTED OF MEN
A MAN OF SORROWS AND ACQUAINTED WITH GRIEF
AND WE HID OUR FACES FROM HIM
HE WAS DESPISED
and we esteemed Him not-

we are but broken

and under red lights-i'll show myself it wasn't forged
we're at war-we live like this
CAUSE WE ARE BROKEN