missed mark. fallen short. day late and buck short. failure..

THIS OWN COMPLACENCY MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT

AND I HAVE FAILED

o love that will not let me go

you may wish better than me/i cannot wish better than you

It happened one day
One morning when he woke me
It was the boy I had seen on the train, so many years ago
But now his face was ragged, the deep wrinkles sagged those old wise eyes
And when he bent down to whisper in my ear, his face reflected light like this lost city-
“THESE HOLES WHICH HAUNT WILL NEVER LEAVE-AND YOU WILL WEAR THEM
UNTIL YOU LOVE THEM.”
He must’ve seen the fear in my eyes, because with that, he went from my bedroom
And I have not see him since.

And as I lie there in that fright
I could not help the cringe and the shudder of my frame withdrawing
These poorly lit thoughts on overcast morns are so dangerous; and
I wondered:
Why has she drifted so far from safe and the great gig in the sky-
I wondered:
Where have the songs that manage to liberate themselves from my cautious fingers hidden-
And now for this I stumble and mourn:

Will he ever find what he is searching for?


THESE HOLES DO BIND THESE HOLES DO BREAK
I KNOW MY SOUL THIS ART WILL TAKE
AND IN THESE SPACES WE HAVE LAIN
OH GOD THEY HAVE ALL BEEN IN VAIN
I'VE SOLD MYSELF AND OFFERED MORE
I'VE WATCHED IT BURN AND PLAYED THE WHORE
THESE VOIDS THAT TAUNT I CANNOT CALL
MY ART WILL COME AS SHE DOES FALL

bloody bandage and a tarnished will

Because the Screams of Romeo Are No Longer Heard, And Because this Daphne Was So Cruel, I Cannot Scream Loud Enough.


To justify these liasons would be the gravest sin
Commited thrice before/can you believe/I was counted witness
I saw those things, and breathed those things
The rank smells, the awkward filth
What has possessed you to dream I could not understand

so because you are so egotistically selfish,
leave her and take her until she bleeds-maybe then
YOU WILL HAVE YOUR SODDEN SANCTIFICATION-

You’re so broken.
So, for now, just trace her trackmarks
And wait till you go home.
I will be damned before I let you
torment me again.

these chasing furies daunt me still and yet-

too much wind on my face and i'm losing it all or actually
i believe i might be going forward:
except that nothing i create will ever be good enough for you
nothing could ever earn that respect
nothing could be that far removed from the box

what would happen if i realized i didn't need it
what would occur if i left something bigger fill this god-shaped hole
(oh how i love to fill it
with the dirty fleshes of now)

what if i didn't give in to it-
what if i told it to scram because i'd found something, lasts forever,
or rather, it had found me?

these chasing furies daunt me still
and yet i have seen the end and
i will not back down

idontweep.doyou

it's all a bit bit hazy here-
stormclouds threaten this disposition
how long will she keep it up?

put me in a trance to all that occurs
how would i deal otherwise
such love abounds, but from such earthly spheres

how does the beat continue when people leave
people stop people die
how do i look through the same glasses
when there is no response

i am so easily given i am so easily taken and by this i mean the same thing

hours and hours of toil and frustration
all the greats now thrice consulted
have brought me to this damp dark mess
where insecurity boasts and masks itself
i refuse to hide this hope any longer-
Friend or foe could you please tell me,
what is this love that is stronger than death
(oh God i know it is)

this dark hiding from Him and crying out to anything else
this blindness of no rest no peace no end
this uneasy shortness of breath, shall i never rid myself
shall i never leave this
scoffing and laughing and spitting as He is pierced
shall i let Him remain there daily with my woe and inability
to accept what is freely given?

why is it so difficult to leave myself
and go to the cross
and His life
inviting the very least of these
the filthy and ugly and childlike and lame
why cannot i simply turn to Him
i am superior in all praises here
clinging to the dirt grime and idolatry
how many idols have i found,
i am so easily given
i am so easily taken
and by this i mean the same thing

shall i never leave this muse that tempts
and dies to find me damned

why should i gain from what i wrestle to accept?
and yet have i gained everything

.

i am beginning to wonder.

19 years old, coworker party.
would it all have been different,
would she have been different,
if he had not stolen this?

weakest breath, loudest no
and not a shred of evidence.

this lame giant that is love

more than sick of this

duality

this dichotomy offends me
how silly would you be
to not realize it is you
its you that all of this is for
nearly a year now

painstakingly trying to avoid
seeing the other
stomach church i've tried to avoid
go from me/torment me still
i pray and thrive and sing and shake
if i could write away all that we've given up
all that we lost together
sweat and this and nails and God i'd die to forget
but you forget don't you,
how YOU ARE STILL WHOLE


these damnable scars aren't getting any lighter

in response

it is the fight that so many hearts have fought and lost
for ten thousand years
and yet i feel as if i am suffering through it for
the very first time
heart stolen over this for 8 months now, and ever so much longer
but i shall not tell a soul
just run and run and run and run
and run and hear that harmony
God please don't take this harmony

the rainbow which dared bare only black and grey

where eros and agape have met
and intertwined in the same shamed darkness
something that cannot be stated will occur

HOW CAN I SURVIVE
WITH ANY LESS THAN THIS-

9 April 2009/12:38am

but sleep will not be sought
and it is because of this:

you lie there in your bed, rhythmically rocking to the soft tones
awe so intense it suffocates
a world without satisfaction or pacification
how did God create a thing such as this
how do i endure such a light as this

we are creatures of logic, and creatures of hate
but give me love over, love over this

as i listen to this gregorian chant
i know that i cannot handle much more
soon it will take over, these ancient voices deep
it will win and i will lose
either you will win or you will lose

what would happen if the music won
you need needles and mirrors
i have my own intoxication and it is so much deeper-

i am guilty-and
BY GOD I WILL NOT BE LEFT BEHIND/

torment of least importance

i have come to an unsettling conclusion.

i have absolutely no God-given idea what constitutes good art, good music, good anything.

sure, it's about truth, and what i make of it in some regards, but who the hell wants me justifying their creation?

there's no black and white, and it is safe to say that this torments me.

the last thing i want is the people around me, or the media, forming my opinion on what is justifiably good or bad. but then who does? when God seems so far, how do I come to these opinions and correct conclusions? don't tell me that piss in a jar is bad and a Degas is good. who decides this?

MAYBE THIS IS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. but as i said, it's safe to say it torments me.

how will my art ever be worthwhile if i can't even tell what's good or bad?
why is all my music so damnably safe?
how do i even understand who i am when
EVERYTHING IS RELATIVE.

perso nella vita-ma è cosi

you've brought them such joy-
and now you're crying

perché l'è correndo sempre-
why is she always running-

seeking a stillness that will not and never yield.

playing this old song it has been done before
salt like after a cold kiss not sure how to proceed
stop at the gas station choose your poison
then retreat quickly-it's no use-head for the word
watch some frames and wait for the next thing

thrash the beaten guitar against the wall becausebecausebecausebecause
where's the point in this anyway?

oh, thank you for the record
you're right. it is one of my favourites.

i wonder how many miles i can run
how many humans i can please
how many wretched and safe-oh heart they are all so miserably safe-songs i can sing

these god forsaken chords are bruising my fingers
and making my eyes bleed
your hands they move and but i shall never touch them

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD

till i only dwell in thee

Shall i risk it all,
O Lord of deepest waves-
Shall i follow the music I have desired
the very most from the start
or must i remain content and silent
simply being still and knowing
that you are God,
and I have naught to fear.

This, my solitary vision,
till I only dwell in Thee.