Following a good glance through the past, I found that I have rarely shared fully comprehensible/non-abstract thoughts in this space. Well, I suppose that's what "blogging" can be for anyway, so I'll give it a go, just for tonight.
There is nothing special about this evening, it is peaceful and calm where I am. It is quiet, and I am reasonably alone. I'm not sure who will view this, but my trusty stats page tells me the faithful few I have from university, Stockholm and Sydney probably will. Either way, I find this cathartic, so here I go.
I've experienced quite a bit in the past few years. I suppose I've dealt with a few of the same situations repeating themselves from time to time, be it financial strife, brief bouts of supposed mental instability or turmoil, loss of love, loss of a loved one, or the age-old crisis of faith: the "Sorry, what am I doing here again?" I guess many of these feelings and emotions are a bit magnified at present, because they seem to have come as a party, altogether and at once over the past few months. They don't understand I prefer to entertain individually, because someone can only put on a pretty facade for so long. Unfortunately, sometimes we have no say in the matter.
I am in its midst, I believe. I am in trouble's nucleus, I'm afraid, and I'm not positive how to safely leave this place. I've taken the wisdom that if one exits too quickly, casualties are a risk. People could get hurt. I could get hurt. A bit of a catch 22, it seems, for lying trapped in the center has shown to cause pain, and yet throwing the towel in (or, running away, as it were) feels the far less desirable option. I am in this place and I do not know what to do.
I am in this place and I do not know what to do. What I do know? That we are strong. We are not as strong as we think we are, and yet, we exceed our expectations of our own personal courage every day, some of us. I do not know what will happen when I am an old woman, or when I meet someone who will love me, or tomorrow. I do not know what God intends for me, or if God intends for me. I'm not sure how long I will provide for only myself, but I do keep going. I get up every morning, and I move. And I see beauty. Everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere. Where you'd most and least expect. I'm not finished yet. The fates may laugh and dance together at the prospect of my demise, or my friends and the ones I love, but we're not finished. All is full of love.
I will close in this way. Sometimes, as I have stated, I find myself at a loss as to how to "carry on," or simply keep going. If you know me, you know what this video and concept means to me, but if not, allow me to show you. Maybe you will see it for yourself. For this concept, and this beauty, I live and I breath and I love. When I fail, day and day again, I will seek grace, and I will love. No matter the pain, no matter the consequence, no matter the death.
All Is Full Of Love.
