when these violent delights meet violent ends-

(C#m, tell yourself as you're searching the ground, nobody cares, nobody cares-)

"If affection is made the absolute sovereign of a human life, the seeds will germinate. Love, having become a god, becomes a demon." (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves)

Abba, Father, Daddy, King, -

How does one battle not the plights of circumstance, but the inertly fallen curse of love? To be in want of affection? How, indeed? For it is not the condition, situation or incident that is my demon, it is the ghost of things had, things longed for; things remembered violently that angst me. It is the inner core of a struggle against the give-love, and the need-love, the selfishly and selflessly created hurt in a masochism of hope.

This hope is killing you, Diana.
Well, dum spiro, spero- As long as I breathe, I hope.

And Neitzsche...Hope is the worst of evils, because it prolongs the torment of a man...

Dearest friend, you were so alone, and aren't we all-

Bipolarity. Perverted dichotomies of what should be and what is. The wheels in my mind will always turn a certain way, whether I will them to or not. It's inert, I can't change it, but I can't accept it, I won't forfeit myself to this legion, even as they all scream my name in regards to the lack of solidarity and curse of HOPE-and then, what is left?

The same as you: more confusion, torment and hopelessness than when I began.
b u t g o d -

(hope
in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God)-

are your wonders known in this place of darkness-oh God, but they are-

(and i've lost who i am, and i can't understand why my heart is so broken, this rejecting Your love)-

ALL SAID AND DONE I STAND ALONE, ALONE, AND IT'S BETTER THIS WAY

all said and done i stand alone
amongst remains of A LIFE I SHOULD NOT OWN
it takes all i am to believe in the mercy that covers me

god(please)damn this black night, god(won't You)damn the daylight
it's too much to bear my load and your weights too
i can't hack it, i remember now why selfish happens

what.i.have.set.before.you.is.not.too.difficult.for.you.

God you have given me intellect, you have given me choices, you have given me
resistance and a way out, escape route-
but these agonies show no light in the end of this drain
all i have is the fading light deep inside, so dim i can barely make it out
you've robbed me of my senses, i pray that when all external perception fails and fades
You will still be there, throwing traffic cones in my direction, screaming
LOOK OUT, THE END IS NEAR, DON'T GO, DON'T GO, DON'T GO,

and somewhere, someone will be violently whispering
with the purest voice

take heart, little Christy,
For I Have Overcome The World-

sirens at night in cold air

we are the cancer, yes
we are the virus
tell me it's not too late, oh God,
tell me it's not too late-

and pretending i don't feel misplaced-

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
PRETENDING I DON'T FEEL MISPLACED-
It's so much simpler than change

[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

-Chester wrote this one.

I HAVE FELT THE SAME.

catch your breath hit the wall
scream out loud as you start to crawl
back in your cage the only place
where they will leave you alone
because the weak will seek the weaker until they've broken them
could you get it back again
Would it be the same?
fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense
left you with no defense they tore it down and

I HAVE FELT THE SAME AS YOU
I HAVE FELT THE SAME AS YOU
I HAVE FELT THE SAME-

locked inside the only place
where you feel sheltered where you feel safe
you lost yourself in your search to find
something else to hide behind
the fearful always preyed upon your confidence
did they see the consequence when they pushed you around
the arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
breaking them 'til they've become just another crown

refuse to feel, anything at all
refuse to slip, refuse to fall
can't be weak, can't stand still
watch your back
because no one will

you don't know why they had to go This far
TRADED YOUR WORTH FOR THESE SCARS
for your only company
don't believe the lies that they told to you
Yeah not one word was true you're alright,
you're alright, you're alright

-Simon

2.3.

choking out to such a piano riff,
i try to snap back to reality
and witness the bile that characterizes this situation
this cycle of love and madness
and i'm fallin and ballin so hard the breath is a joke

I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regret

the same song/the same muse/the same shipwreck-

these choices long prior made and decided
are killing me,
and today when the old friend told me
"diana, this hope is killing you"
i listened
and knew
that unless something changed,
he was right.

THE THINGS WE LAID DO NOT AMOUNT TO MUCH-

we are the fake,
we are the damned
and the damned will not be heard here
any longer

and,

That's when it turned on me
A motorcade of 'meant to be's'
Parades of beauty queens
Where soft entwines make kindling
These many detailed things
LIKE BROKEN NAILS AND PLASTIC RINGS
Will win by keeping me
From speaking to my new darling
And there's no way to know
Our future foe scenarios
That's when it turned on me
Where bobby pins hold angel wings

w h e r e a r e y o u g o i n g

this [apprehensive] carefree could very possibly
be more dangerous than this recent affliction,
and yet i find myself remaining here-

g o d b l e s s t h e l o s t c a u s e s

Trois Pensées

Un: Wet piano keys are not the answer

Deux: i'm soddingly tired of this testing of faith

Trois: god[please]damn this inhumanistic dependence

"trust your souls to a faithful creator in doing what is right."

HOW?

i am still here

"I call this Divine humility because it is a poor thing to strike our colours to God when the ship is going down under us; a poor thing to come to Him as a last resort, to offer up 'our own' when it is no longer worth keeping. If God were proud, He would hardly have us on such terms: but He is not proud, He stoops to conquer, He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him, and come to Him because there is "nothing better" now to be had."

-Clive Staples Lewis, The Problem of Pain (1940)

Father God, Forgive me. In this rare moment of clarity, I cannot believe it, I cannot see it, and yet I earnestly ask:
If it takes this torment and strife to feel your presence cradling my very soul, to where yet again i find you sheltering me in the shadow of your wings, I ask you would keep me here for as long as it takes. There is beauty in this rain, it is so beautiful, because, in a sense, I am seeing Your compassion in a way like I never have before...

there is no rest

life feels different when you're wasting affections

there may be no rest, but there is always hope-

THERE'S ALWAYS A SIREN SINGING YOU TO SHIPWRECK (but God, and one year later) -

8.28.09 - 9.15.10
so much has changed; so much remains the same-

We spoke of wrists that burn, loves that leave gaping holes, and a gentler day to come; we shared the space, making plans of friendship and hope, and I kissed her on the shoulder-

God-

(it's me again).

I was not aware that feeling such a multitude of different emotions/opinions/affections was indeed possible by a lowly human. Am I simply a lover of sights and sounds, or may I somehow achieve a transcendent knowledge of You, so that when I find myself thrashing for help, I may know in the raw core of myself that You are there?

(she appears composed, so she is, i suppose. who can really tell) -

Christ my trials are lofty, and comical in the face of the stripes you bore. And what do I bare these lines for? Who am I helping endure? How can I further your kingdom? Oh God, if somehow this could only be for Your glory-

I paint these words and play these notes in vain if I may not come out the better in the end, Father they say I am strong (God is good and you are strong) but how? I see her scars and i feel them, why can't we fix each other? The breath comes in gasps/the lone tear blackens the face/the existential loneliness hides under the bones and i need you more than yesterday,

(when i'm at the pearly gates, this will be on my videotape)

Daddy the flesh screams to me, and I don't want to be this vulnerable. The fluttery feelings have flown but the deep seeded rejection remains, I don't want to be the lover they don't have to love, the circles whisper as does the blade-the dull scissors as a precaution to preserve the life that a few have placed so much hope in-
(Christ what if i only let them down?)

i am so easily given/i am so easily taken and by this she means the same thing-

(don't reach out, don't reach out, don't reach out, there's always a siren singing you to shipwreck, Diana)

I am writing without aim. But will somehow be alright -do you see it? She's still singing- because I choose now to serve Him, God is hiding me in his shadow, and I will make it. I will forgive those who hurt me, and I will love them more than I could ever imagine, and Christ will make the impossible circumstance beautiful and He will use it to his glory (God, I beg you, use this pain to your glory, do not let me weep in vain-)

My family. My loved ones, my friends. My voice.
My grades and discipline. Money.
The wrists that scream.
The flesh that calls.

God I give you these things, are earnestly beg you to take them and fix them in ways I have attempted and failed for 24 years. Father take this shoddy echo of a life and give it purpose. May my voice please you again. May you hold my heart and use it to love others in the way you have called me to. Jesus, you promised me you'd be with me, even unto the end of the age. Father, please hold me close and still my breaths-

No matter what happens now
I won't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day
I've ever seen

humanity, you never had it anyway

oh clove, the moon and the Cure
this portuguese dark rhythym breathes sordid beats in my ears
i have so much to say and absolutely no way to say it
what have i done to bring about this curse

i'll tell you what i did,
i looked for it in all the wrong places
everything i hear is like liquid smoke
which forms ecstasy and agony entwined
how do i make it go, how do i make it go,
how do i feel indifferently

why aren't my eyes black enough, i have never lied to you,
but, if we are being honest here, i suppose
i have also never told you anything true

o, let me tell you what i've done
o, if i could whisper you what i've done

you wouldn't believe me if i told you
and worse

it wouldn't matter

justanothercreaturedizzywithlove

road flies under too fast
karen o screams from this lung
red ash caught in my eyelid
and i cannot make them black enough

i'm running fast without a map
not even a compass to reign me in
this is fear
and if perfect love drives that out
i have never known love before

isis isis isis black and red/fucked by the muse/if even the savior has suffered confusion is there any hope for me hope for me hope for me no,

oh but this cross,

i know it now,

i shall never leave this muse that tempts and dies to find me damned (and this muse is truly but sin)
until things make sense for the first time, because
i am so easily given (to all)
i am so easily taken (with the muse)
and by this i mean the same thing-

oh but this cross, i cannot shake it, it's there, brighter than all these tears,
more terrible and beautiful and quiet and thrashed and tranquil, oh but this cross-

it screams to me in the softest voice,
take heart, little christy,

for I have overcome the world.

she's still singing-

i've got the joy, joy, joy, joy

i knew it when you showed me this song.
i knew it when i first played this song.
and i know it now:

i can't understand
and i can't pretend
that this will be alright in the end
so i'll try my best
and lift up my chest
and i'll sing above this

joy.

Hope IN God, for I shall again praise Him.

this same accidental art, and dearest friend:

oh give me chemical, chemical.
this has no reason or rhyme, it will just come.
but sod the formalities.

I cannot write like you, but if you will humor me, I’ll tell you what I know.

If you scratch my surface, I will be smiling when I see you. I bring people together through my music and sometimes controversial conversations, and I am always willing to purchase a cassette of what I think you might like. I have an impeccable ear for pitch, and I strive to excel in school. The trunk of my car is always messy, even when I clean the rest of it. I like to take pictures as much as anyone else, and though I have black hair, I am energetic and often the center of a burst of laughter.

There is something I can’t share as easily. More often than not, there is a bloody plethora of ideas/tensions/confusion/pain circling around between my ears, and I do not know how to get it out. I can be curt with you, I can be rude, reactive, seemingly unfeeling, or distant, but I cannot articulate what’s there. There is something at work that prevents me from simply conveying what I need to. You, soul, know what's there-what has us smiling genuine one moment and writhing in rose agony the next... This seductive demon muse who whispers foul nothings in our ear and waits for us to crack- It’s the biggest mother fucking curse, and it falls on someone like me, who needs to communicate and impart and connect. Why would God place such a passion inside, an utter lust to share their thoughts, in someone without the gift of expression? God, why?
(the best part is, that on the surface, they see how I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t, actually. If they just only knew.)


What I’m writing is bullshit, nothing more than you view of yours, but you understand how sometimes, if you don’t throw it up anyway, the pacifying alternatives hurt more than just yourself.

The worst is, I could get there. I could be close to conveying a beauty, something worth while, something bigger than this. But Christ how? My music now, is mediocre. Decent at best. But that’s not the pain-the pain is what I could be and that i cannot ascertain how to reach it.

Then there are the post-demons. I am haunted by the memories, like you. The conglomeration of bleeding out from the release, having something so precious stolen at 19 on the trunk of a car, and, following the loss, freely giving what was meant to be so different-and now writhing and weeping on the floor of the shower, the face wet so as to hide the truth in the face-Oh Christ, what have we become?

And now, oh God, the courage of my memory. Do you see it? She’s still singing-

Catch your breath hit the wall scream out loud as you start to crawl back in your cage
The only place where they will leave you alone
Because the weak will seek the weaker until they've broken them
Could you get it back again
Would it be the same fulfillment to their lack of strength
At your expense, left you with no defense they tore it down and
I have felt the same as you, I've felt the same as you, I've felt the same

Locked inside the only place
Where you feel sheltered where you feel safe
YOU LOST YOURSELF IN YOUR SEARCH TO FIND,
SOMETHING ELSE TO HIDE BEHIND
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence
Did they see the consequence when they pushed you around
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown

Refuse to feel, Anything at all refuse to slip, Refuse to fall
Can't be weak, Can't stand still you watch your back,
Because no one will...
You don't know why they had to go this far
TRADED YOUR WORTH FOR THESE SCARS, YOUR ONLY COMPANY-
Don't believe the lies that they told to you
Not one word was true you're alright, You're alright,
You're alright

and i leave you with this bloody bandage and yet unmistakable will:

Because the Screams of Romeo Are No Longer Heard, And Because this Daphne Was So Cruel, I Cannot Scream Loud Enough.

But, because the truth will not stand hidden, hope in God, for I shall again praise Him.

when my own music does bring these fates

o lovers in the dark you do move and i do see you
the woman on the wall she only haunts me evermore
her face/themuse/ i'd die to be
stunning gentlemen soft and mysteriously

oh daughters hide your faces softly,

SEE THIS FLAMING TORCH IT BURNS ME SO
WHEN THIS ASHEN EMBER GLOWS
AND THIS FEVER CHILD IS RUNNING SHAMED
EYES ARE BLEEDING RED

see this rotten log crumble above me
see my palms up to the sky
eastern winds are blowing violent
when the coeans are all dry

see these bruises pushing on my eyes
see my spirit broken fade
children's wails and empty caskets
leave you wanting where he laid-

OH DAUGHTERS HIDE YOUR FACES SHOFTLY
MOTHERS SHEILD YOUR SONS
WHEN RED SKIES BURN AND FEVERS BLOSSOM
WILL WE MAKE IT PAST THE END-

GOD! THE COURAGE OF MY MEMORY (yes, i've memorized it all).

and what courage does this humility take, is it then?
Dammit Diana, GOD IS HERE-
she's still singing, DO YOU SEE IT?
SHE'S STILL SINGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes, i've memorized it all: the courage of my memory.

Why burn poor and lonely under a bowl.
Under a lampshade or on the shelf
Beside the bed where at night
You lay turning like a door on it's hinges?
(First on your left side, then on your right side, then your left side again)
WHY BURN POOR AND LONELY?
Tell all the stones, we're gonna make a building.
We'll cut into shape & set into place or you'd rather be a window,
I'll gladly be the frame reflecting any kind of words.
We'll let in all the blame
(And ruin our reputation all the same)
Never mind out plan making,
We'll start living......anyway,
Aren't you unbearably sad?
Then why burn so poor and lonely?

We'll be like torches
we'll be like torches
We'll be torches together! torches together
well be like torches
we'll be like torches
With whatever respect, our tattered Dignity demands
Torches together, hand in hand

Why pluck one string - What good is just one note?
Oh, one string sounds fine i guess....We were once 'One Note',
We were lonely wheat quietly ground into grain
(What light and momentary pain!)
SO WHY THE SAFE DISTANCE, THIS CURIOUS LOOK?!
Why tear out single pages when you can throw away the book?
Why pluck one string when you can strum the guitar?
Strum the guitar!
strum the guitar!
strum the guitar!
With no beginning, with no end
Take down a guitar and strum the guitar
strum the the guitar if you're afraid,
And I'M afraid and EVERYONE'S afraid
And everyone knows it but

WE DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID ANYMORE

(i've got the joy, joy, joy-----)

and while this peace cries havoc in my soul

i am confused
the clock rings now ever too confident
tomorrow i will be naked and a child again
and i am afraid.

i am also convinced that there is nothing like abiding in the shadow of the almighty.
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him.

what i'm speaking means more to me than how i say it

hot red clouds through the rear-view mirror give away Your presence far too well,
which is good,
because looking under
and inside
these dusty nooks and crannies
of my sin-
it is much harder to find You there.

odd how i can find and lose You in these siren songs, these fire nights,
this tempted seclusion,
the blessed isolation that i can make for myself if i just live a little softer

those guitar strings always speak so quietly, as does He,
but it is intriguing how much more beautiful your words do sound
if i must only take the time to listen closer.

Is Victory Ours (A Twelve Percent Royalty)

tell me how to erect a wall
teach me how to build a blockade

tell me how to ignite a flame
teach me how to begin a war

cause this road isn't walked by you alone
no this way won't be trod alone

a cry

none of it makes sense, if only i had a gold coin
for every time i want to give in and say
none of this makes any sense to me
He's ever present, i know this now
but it does not erase the quandry that absolutely nothing makes sense to me
so i'll just bathe in the suspension and
wait for another sodden pacification to hold me down

ISAIAH 53:3

HE WAS DESPISED AND REJECTED OF MEN
A MAN OF SORROWS AND ACQUAINTED WITH GRIEF
AND AS ONE FROM WHOM MEN HIDE THEIR FACES
HE WAS DESPISED
and we esteemed him not.

Isaiah tugs on my bones in the dying body
but i can only thrash for this comprehension unattainable
for me it is all too far removed
i can't understand your exegesis
i only know i must draw nearer to the one who took it for me
because HOW DEEP THE FATHER'S LOVE FOR US
i cannot understand that i was there, i was there, O Christ I was there and
remain there daily
[Judas sold you for thirty, I'D HAVE DONE IT FOR LESS]

what could i possibly ever do to warrant this affection
as i listen to these voices sing sanctus
i cannot understand i am finally speechless there is nothing
but these haunting melodies and the image of your beautiful face
taking it for me, when there weren't words to ask for it
i shall never attain this knowing here
seventy times seven today i've let you down, i've turned my back on it all
but i am still here; you were here all along; there is a tomorrow;
soon the children will look to the eastern sky,
but until then,



Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in exelsis Deo.

PUSH THE PANIC SWITCH

I'M WAITING AND FADING AND FLOATING AWAY
I'M WAITING AND FADING AND FLOATING AWAY
I'M WAITING AND FADING AND FLOATING AWAY
WAITING AND FADING AND FLOATING

THE PAINT ON MY LEGS DOES NOT LAST LONG ENOUGH
THE SMOKE IN MY LUNGS DOES NOT BURN DEEP ENOUGH
THE LINE ON MY SKIN DOES NOT FADE FAST ENOUGH
THE SCREAMS THAT ARE SILENT I CANNOT MAKE HEARD, BUT


...O LOVE THAT WILL NOT LET ME GO
I REST MY WEARY SOUL IN THEE...

OH JOY YOU SEEK ME THROUGH THE PAIN
I CANNOT CLOSE MY HEART TO THEE
I TRACE THE SOLACE THROUGH THE RAIN
AND FEEL THE PROMISE IS NOT VAIN
THE MORN SHALL TEARLESS BE

of this attempt to see.

stranded this night in brick lane

all those men in their fancy suits
although i do love to hate them
their smell intoxicates on the evening train home
they are secretly dying
they do not know what it is they are standing for

all those girls with their coal eyes and bangs
the boys with tight pants and black sneakers
they are reading bukowski
and sensing there is something better
they do not know what it is they are standing for

i am coming closer to
knowing what it is i am standing for

sav/krk/jank/megan/thomas

As I shimmied in a skirt through the hole in the glass window pitifully to get a better glimpse of local crew 'burning candy,' your lovely faces passed through my mind as I contemplated one of the final scenes in Ghost (in which the antagonist dies via a broken window crashing down to cut off his head).

You all would have been proud (or shook your head and said under your breath, “Idiot.”) Not as glamorous as slumming in the drains of the east end or risking going down the subways, but I did nearly step on a rat.

Much love to you all.

these altered months

all this incredible shift and change
makes me want to aimlessly shake this skull back and forth
and back and forth until this stained reality
doesn't make sense
and doesn't need to

what is this happiness that is yet discontent

these people which have taught me
these lovers which have shaped me
they move and yet i cannot touch them
they are slipping away and i cannot touch them

trapped in the middle of a one way love
who am i to fight this down


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMFAVLCUaok