justanothercreaturedizzywithlove

road flies under too fast
karen o screams from this lung
red ash caught in my eyelid
and i cannot make them black enough

i'm running fast without a map
not even a compass to reign me in
this is fear
and if perfect love drives that out
i have never known love before

isis isis isis black and red/fucked by the muse/if even the savior has suffered confusion is there any hope for me hope for me hope for me no,

oh but this cross,

i know it now,

i shall never leave this muse that tempts and dies to find me damned (and this muse is truly but sin)
until things make sense for the first time, because
i am so easily given (to all)
i am so easily taken (with the muse)
and by this i mean the same thing-

oh but this cross, i cannot shake it, it's there, brighter than all these tears,
more terrible and beautiful and quiet and thrashed and tranquil, oh but this cross-

it screams to me in the softest voice,
take heart, little christy,

for I have overcome the world.

she's still singing-

i've got the joy, joy, joy, joy

i knew it when you showed me this song.
i knew it when i first played this song.
and i know it now:

i can't understand
and i can't pretend
that this will be alright in the end
so i'll try my best
and lift up my chest
and i'll sing above this

joy.

Hope IN God, for I shall again praise Him.

this same accidental art, and dearest friend:

oh give me chemical, chemical.
this has no reason or rhyme, it will just come.
but sod the formalities.

I cannot write like you, but if you will humor me, I’ll tell you what I know.

If you scratch my surface, I will be smiling when I see you. I bring people together through my music and sometimes controversial conversations, and I am always willing to purchase a cassette of what I think you might like. I have an impeccable ear for pitch, and I strive to excel in school. The trunk of my car is always messy, even when I clean the rest of it. I like to take pictures as much as anyone else, and though I have black hair, I am energetic and often the center of a burst of laughter.

There is something I can’t share as easily. More often than not, there is a bloody plethora of ideas/tensions/confusion/pain circling around between my ears, and I do not know how to get it out. I can be curt with you, I can be rude, reactive, seemingly unfeeling, or distant, but I cannot articulate what’s there. There is something at work that prevents me from simply conveying what I need to. You, soul, know what's there-what has us smiling genuine one moment and writhing in rose agony the next... This seductive demon muse who whispers foul nothings in our ear and waits for us to crack- It’s the biggest mother fucking curse, and it falls on someone like me, who needs to communicate and impart and connect. Why would God place such a passion inside, an utter lust to share their thoughts, in someone without the gift of expression? God, why?
(the best part is, that on the surface, they see how I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t, actually. If they just only knew.)


What I’m writing is bullshit, nothing more than you view of yours, but you understand how sometimes, if you don’t throw it up anyway, the pacifying alternatives hurt more than just yourself.

The worst is, I could get there. I could be close to conveying a beauty, something worth while, something bigger than this. But Christ how? My music now, is mediocre. Decent at best. But that’s not the pain-the pain is what I could be and that i cannot ascertain how to reach it.

Then there are the post-demons. I am haunted by the memories, like you. The conglomeration of bleeding out from the release, having something so precious stolen at 19 on the trunk of a car, and, following the loss, freely giving what was meant to be so different-and now writhing and weeping on the floor of the shower, the face wet so as to hide the truth in the face-Oh Christ, what have we become?

And now, oh God, the courage of my memory. Do you see it? She’s still singing-

Catch your breath hit the wall scream out loud as you start to crawl back in your cage
The only place where they will leave you alone
Because the weak will seek the weaker until they've broken them
Could you get it back again
Would it be the same fulfillment to their lack of strength
At your expense, left you with no defense they tore it down and
I have felt the same as you, I've felt the same as you, I've felt the same

Locked inside the only place
Where you feel sheltered where you feel safe
YOU LOST YOURSELF IN YOUR SEARCH TO FIND,
SOMETHING ELSE TO HIDE BEHIND
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence
Did they see the consequence when they pushed you around
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown

Refuse to feel, Anything at all refuse to slip, Refuse to fall
Can't be weak, Can't stand still you watch your back,
Because no one will...
You don't know why they had to go this far
TRADED YOUR WORTH FOR THESE SCARS, YOUR ONLY COMPANY-
Don't believe the lies that they told to you
Not one word was true you're alright, You're alright,
You're alright

and i leave you with this bloody bandage and yet unmistakable will:

Because the Screams of Romeo Are No Longer Heard, And Because this Daphne Was So Cruel, I Cannot Scream Loud Enough.

But, because the truth will not stand hidden, hope in God, for I shall again praise Him.

when my own music does bring these fates

o lovers in the dark you do move and i do see you
the woman on the wall she only haunts me evermore
her face/themuse/ i'd die to be
stunning gentlemen soft and mysteriously

oh daughters hide your faces softly,

SEE THIS FLAMING TORCH IT BURNS ME SO
WHEN THIS ASHEN EMBER GLOWS
AND THIS FEVER CHILD IS RUNNING SHAMED
EYES ARE BLEEDING RED

see this rotten log crumble above me
see my palms up to the sky
eastern winds are blowing violent
when the coeans are all dry

see these bruises pushing on my eyes
see my spirit broken fade
children's wails and empty caskets
leave you wanting where he laid-

OH DAUGHTERS HIDE YOUR FACES SHOFTLY
MOTHERS SHEILD YOUR SONS
WHEN RED SKIES BURN AND FEVERS BLOSSOM
WILL WE MAKE IT PAST THE END-

GOD! THE COURAGE OF MY MEMORY (yes, i've memorized it all).

and what courage does this humility take, is it then?
Dammit Diana, GOD IS HERE-
she's still singing, DO YOU SEE IT?
SHE'S STILL SINGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes, i've memorized it all: the courage of my memory.

Why burn poor and lonely under a bowl.
Under a lampshade or on the shelf
Beside the bed where at night
You lay turning like a door on it's hinges?
(First on your left side, then on your right side, then your left side again)
WHY BURN POOR AND LONELY?
Tell all the stones, we're gonna make a building.
We'll cut into shape & set into place or you'd rather be a window,
I'll gladly be the frame reflecting any kind of words.
We'll let in all the blame
(And ruin our reputation all the same)
Never mind out plan making,
We'll start living......anyway,
Aren't you unbearably sad?
Then why burn so poor and lonely?

We'll be like torches
we'll be like torches
We'll be torches together! torches together
well be like torches
we'll be like torches
With whatever respect, our tattered Dignity demands
Torches together, hand in hand

Why pluck one string - What good is just one note?
Oh, one string sounds fine i guess....We were once 'One Note',
We were lonely wheat quietly ground into grain
(What light and momentary pain!)
SO WHY THE SAFE DISTANCE, THIS CURIOUS LOOK?!
Why tear out single pages when you can throw away the book?
Why pluck one string when you can strum the guitar?
Strum the guitar!
strum the guitar!
strum the guitar!
With no beginning, with no end
Take down a guitar and strum the guitar
strum the the guitar if you're afraid,
And I'M afraid and EVERYONE'S afraid
And everyone knows it but

WE DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID ANYMORE

(i've got the joy, joy, joy-----)

and while this peace cries havoc in my soul

i am confused
the clock rings now ever too confident
tomorrow i will be naked and a child again
and i am afraid.

i am also convinced that there is nothing like abiding in the shadow of the almighty.
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him.

what i'm speaking means more to me than how i say it

hot red clouds through the rear-view mirror give away Your presence far too well,
which is good,
because looking under
and inside
these dusty nooks and crannies
of my sin-
it is much harder to find You there.

odd how i can find and lose You in these siren songs, these fire nights,
this tempted seclusion,
the blessed isolation that i can make for myself if i just live a little softer

those guitar strings always speak so quietly, as does He,
but it is intriguing how much more beautiful your words do sound
if i must only take the time to listen closer.

Is Victory Ours (A Twelve Percent Royalty)

tell me how to erect a wall
teach me how to build a blockade

tell me how to ignite a flame
teach me how to begin a war

cause this road isn't walked by you alone
no this way won't be trod alone

a cry

none of it makes sense, if only i had a gold coin
for every time i want to give in and say
none of this makes any sense to me
He's ever present, i know this now
but it does not erase the quandry that absolutely nothing makes sense to me
so i'll just bathe in the suspension and
wait for another sodden pacification to hold me down

ISAIAH 53:3

HE WAS DESPISED AND REJECTED OF MEN
A MAN OF SORROWS AND ACQUAINTED WITH GRIEF
AND AS ONE FROM WHOM MEN HIDE THEIR FACES
HE WAS DESPISED
and we esteemed him not.

Isaiah tugs on my bones in the dying body
but i can only thrash for this comprehension unattainable
for me it is all too far removed
i can't understand your exegesis
i only know i must draw nearer to the one who took it for me
because HOW DEEP THE FATHER'S LOVE FOR US
i cannot understand that i was there, i was there, O Christ I was there and
remain there daily
[Judas sold you for thirty, I'D HAVE DONE IT FOR LESS]

what could i possibly ever do to warrant this affection
as i listen to these voices sing sanctus
i cannot understand i am finally speechless there is nothing
but these haunting melodies and the image of your beautiful face
taking it for me, when there weren't words to ask for it
i shall never attain this knowing here
seventy times seven today i've let you down, i've turned my back on it all
but i am still here; you were here all along; there is a tomorrow;
soon the children will look to the eastern sky,
but until then,



Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in exelsis Deo.

PUSH THE PANIC SWITCH

I'M WAITING AND FADING AND FLOATING AWAY
I'M WAITING AND FADING AND FLOATING AWAY
I'M WAITING AND FADING AND FLOATING AWAY
WAITING AND FADING AND FLOATING

THE PAINT ON MY LEGS DOES NOT LAST LONG ENOUGH
THE SMOKE IN MY LUNGS DOES NOT BURN DEEP ENOUGH
THE LINE ON MY SKIN DOES NOT FADE FAST ENOUGH
THE SCREAMS THAT ARE SILENT I CANNOT MAKE HEARD, BUT


...O LOVE THAT WILL NOT LET ME GO
I REST MY WEARY SOUL IN THEE...

OH JOY YOU SEEK ME THROUGH THE PAIN
I CANNOT CLOSE MY HEART TO THEE
I TRACE THE SOLACE THROUGH THE RAIN
AND FEEL THE PROMISE IS NOT VAIN
THE MORN SHALL TEARLESS BE

of this attempt to see.

stranded this night in brick lane

all those men in their fancy suits
although i do love to hate them
their smell intoxicates on the evening train home
they are secretly dying
they do not know what it is they are standing for

all those girls with their coal eyes and bangs
the boys with tight pants and black sneakers
they are reading bukowski
and sensing there is something better
they do not know what it is they are standing for

i am coming closer to
knowing what it is i am standing for

sav/krk/jank/megan/thomas

As I shimmied in a skirt through the hole in the glass window pitifully to get a better glimpse of local crew 'burning candy,' your lovely faces passed through my mind as I contemplated one of the final scenes in Ghost (in which the antagonist dies via a broken window crashing down to cut off his head).

You all would have been proud (or shook your head and said under your breath, “Idiot.”) Not as glamorous as slumming in the drains of the east end or risking going down the subways, but I did nearly step on a rat.

Much love to you all.

these altered months

all this incredible shift and change
makes me want to aimlessly shake this skull back and forth
and back and forth until this stained reality
doesn't make sense
and doesn't need to

what is this happiness that is yet discontent

these people which have taught me
these lovers which have shaped me
they move and yet i cannot touch them
they are slipping away and i cannot touch them

trapped in the middle of a one way love
who am i to fight this down


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMFAVLCUaok

daphne

take your love away
take your love away

so take me as my enemy
and i'll come and go as you please
but i'll stay
stay

take your love away,
take your love away

missed mark. fallen short. day late and buck short. failure..

THIS OWN COMPLACENCY MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT

AND I HAVE FAILED

o love that will not let me go

you may wish better than me/i cannot wish better than you

It happened one day
One morning when he woke me
It was the boy I had seen on the train, so many years ago
But now his face was ragged, the deep wrinkles sagged those old wise eyes
And when he bent down to whisper in my ear, his face reflected light like this lost city-
“THESE HOLES WHICH HAUNT WILL NEVER LEAVE-AND YOU WILL WEAR THEM
UNTIL YOU LOVE THEM.”
He must’ve seen the fear in my eyes, because with that, he went from my bedroom
And I have not see him since.

And as I lie there in that fright
I could not help the cringe and the shudder of my frame withdrawing
These poorly lit thoughts on overcast morns are so dangerous; and
I wondered:
Why has she drifted so far from safe and the great gig in the sky-
I wondered:
Where have the songs that manage to liberate themselves from my cautious fingers hidden-
And now for this I stumble and mourn:

Will he ever find what he is searching for?


THESE HOLES DO BIND THESE HOLES DO BREAK
I KNOW MY SOUL THIS ART WILL TAKE
AND IN THESE SPACES WE HAVE LAIN
OH GOD THEY HAVE ALL BEEN IN VAIN
I'VE SOLD MYSELF AND OFFERED MORE
I'VE WATCHED IT BURN AND PLAYED THE WHORE
THESE VOIDS THAT TAUNT I CANNOT CALL
MY ART WILL COME AS SHE DOES FALL

bloody bandage and a tarnished will

Because the Screams of Romeo Are No Longer Heard, And Because this Daphne Was So Cruel, I Cannot Scream Loud Enough.


To justify these liasons would be the gravest sin
Commited thrice before/can you believe/I was counted witness
I saw those things, and breathed those things
The rank smells, the awkward filth
What has possessed you to dream I could not understand

so because you are so egotistically selfish,
leave her and take her until she bleeds-maybe then
YOU WILL HAVE YOUR SODDEN SANCTIFICATION-

You’re so broken.
So, for now, just trace her trackmarks
And wait till you go home.
I will be damned before I let you
torment me again.

these chasing furies daunt me still and yet-

too much wind on my face and i'm losing it all or actually
i believe i might be going forward:
except that nothing i create will ever be good enough for you
nothing could ever earn that respect
nothing could be that far removed from the box

what would happen if i realized i didn't need it
what would occur if i left something bigger fill this god-shaped hole
(oh how i love to fill it
with the dirty fleshes of now)

what if i didn't give in to it-
what if i told it to scram because i'd found something, lasts forever,
or rather, it had found me?

these chasing furies daunt me still
and yet i have seen the end and
i will not back down

idontweep.doyou

it's all a bit bit hazy here-
stormclouds threaten this disposition
how long will she keep it up?

put me in a trance to all that occurs
how would i deal otherwise
such love abounds, but from such earthly spheres

how does the beat continue when people leave
people stop people die
how do i look through the same glasses
when there is no response

i am so easily given i am so easily taken and by this i mean the same thing

hours and hours of toil and frustration
all the greats now thrice consulted
have brought me to this damp dark mess
where insecurity boasts and masks itself
i refuse to hide this hope any longer-
Friend or foe could you please tell me,
what is this love that is stronger than death
(oh God i know it is)

this dark hiding from Him and crying out to anything else
this blindness of no rest no peace no end
this uneasy shortness of breath, shall i never rid myself
shall i never leave this
scoffing and laughing and spitting as He is pierced
shall i let Him remain there daily with my woe and inability
to accept what is freely given?

why is it so difficult to leave myself
and go to the cross
and His life
inviting the very least of these
the filthy and ugly and childlike and lame
why cannot i simply turn to Him
i am superior in all praises here
clinging to the dirt grime and idolatry
how many idols have i found,
i am so easily given
i am so easily taken
and by this i mean the same thing

shall i never leave this muse that tempts
and dies to find me damned

why should i gain from what i wrestle to accept?
and yet have i gained everything

.

i am beginning to wonder.

19 years old, coworker party.
would it all have been different,
would she have been different,
if he had not stolen this?

weakest breath, loudest no
and not a shred of evidence.

this lame giant that is love

more than sick of this

duality

this dichotomy offends me
how silly would you be
to not realize it is you
its you that all of this is for
nearly a year now

painstakingly trying to avoid
seeing the other
stomach church i've tried to avoid
go from me/torment me still
i pray and thrive and sing and shake
if i could write away all that we've given up
all that we lost together
sweat and this and nails and God i'd die to forget
but you forget don't you,
how YOU ARE STILL WHOLE


these damnable scars aren't getting any lighter

in response

it is the fight that so many hearts have fought and lost
for ten thousand years
and yet i feel as if i am suffering through it for
the very first time
heart stolen over this for 8 months now, and ever so much longer
but i shall not tell a soul
just run and run and run and run
and run and hear that harmony
God please don't take this harmony

the rainbow which dared bare only black and grey

where eros and agape have met
and intertwined in the same shamed darkness
something that cannot be stated will occur

HOW CAN I SURVIVE
WITH ANY LESS THAN THIS-

9 April 2009/12:38am

but sleep will not be sought
and it is because of this:

you lie there in your bed, rhythmically rocking to the soft tones
awe so intense it suffocates
a world without satisfaction or pacification
how did God create a thing such as this
how do i endure such a light as this

we are creatures of logic, and creatures of hate
but give me love over, love over this

as i listen to this gregorian chant
i know that i cannot handle much more
soon it will take over, these ancient voices deep
it will win and i will lose
either you will win or you will lose

what would happen if the music won
you need needles and mirrors
i have my own intoxication and it is so much deeper-

i am guilty-and
BY GOD I WILL NOT BE LEFT BEHIND/

torment of least importance

i have come to an unsettling conclusion.

i have absolutely no God-given idea what constitutes good art, good music, good anything.

sure, it's about truth, and what i make of it in some regards, but who the hell wants me justifying their creation?

there's no black and white, and it is safe to say that this torments me.

the last thing i want is the people around me, or the media, forming my opinion on what is justifiably good or bad. but then who does? when God seems so far, how do I come to these opinions and correct conclusions? don't tell me that piss in a jar is bad and a Degas is good. who decides this?

MAYBE THIS IS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. but as i said, it's safe to say it torments me.

how will my art ever be worthwhile if i can't even tell what's good or bad?
why is all my music so damnably safe?
how do i even understand who i am when
EVERYTHING IS RELATIVE.