to the tune of a little folk song

look at all their pretty faces
lined up on the wall
i think i'd like to try on that one
then i'd feel ten feet tall

all this writing in ugly diaries
was bound to take its toll
maybe we could jump the next train
if i may be so bold

oh

well i can't really understand
where i stop and you begin
you're tellin me that it's not true

and lies we breathe and beds we make
just strengthen this fool's parade
but damn i just can't leave this muse

oh

just today
just today
just today
is
all
i
know

anywhereanythingjustme

lifedance by charles bukowski

"the area dividing the brain and the soul
is affected in many ways by
experience-
some lose all mind and become soul:
insane.
some lose all soul and become mind:
intellectual.
some lose both and become:
accepted."

w h e r e d o i b e l o n g

from the pleasures of the damned

millionaires by charles bukowski

you
no faces
no faces
at all
laughing at nothing-
let me tell you
I have drunk in skid row rooms with
imbecile winos
whose cause was better
whose eyes still held some light
whose voices still retained some sensibility,
and when morning came
we were sick but not ill,
poor but not deluded,
and we stretched in our beds and rose
in the late afternoons
like millionaires.

flee

persona. outward inward
why so concerned with death
it comes out of hiding just about everywhere now

was lying next to him inevitable
tennyson hesitates/don't spread her ashes yet

"this hope is killing you"

sisyphus pushes psyche counts
lucifer falls
but
in a world of perfection and absence of wrong what first
made him lose his balance...

rolling down and spinning round
flash of red or waiting bound
behind her veil's not sacred now
don't spread her ashes yet

deuteronomy 30

people are not good to each other

the crunch by Charles Bukowski

too much too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody.

laughter or
tears

haters
lovers

strangers with faces like
the backs of
thumb tacks

armies running through
streets of blood
waving winebottles
bayoneting and fucking
virgins.

an old guy in a cheap room
with a photograph of M. Monroe.

there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners

it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.

people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.

I suppose they never will be.
I don't ask them to be.

but sometimes I think about
it.

the beads will swing
the clouds will cloud
and the killer will behead the child
like taking a bite out of an ice cream cone.

too much
too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody

more haters than lovers.

people are not good to each other.
perhaps if they were
our deaths would not be so sad.

meanwhile I look at young girls
stems
flowers of chance.

there must be a way.

surely there must be a way that we have not yet
though of.

who put this brain inside of me?

it cries
it demands
it says that there is a chance.

IT WILL NOT SAY
"NO"

where have you been

hold it in don't let it out
hold it hold it hold it hold them
blood stained and shattered needles lay beneath us and
someone's calling, listen to it,somebody's always calling
and there is always this danger answer-

(where have you been, Joy, where have you been,
Oh God, Joy where have you been?)

shall i never leave this muse that dies to find me damned

(joy, where have you been?)

and,

(I wish I'd known that you were bleeding while I sat and watched you reading
with the Lord, I read with Him too)

Psalm 10:11 screams and then,
and then and then

4 weeks left. i fear the fall.
she'll go on to that place again where men
only want one thing
and women, we just give it to them everytime
everytime everytime

(He says to himself, "God has forgotten; he covers his face and will never see.")

AS THE SPRIT WANES THE FORM APPEARS

try
bleeding is believing
i saw you crawling on the floor
why
bleeding is breathing
you're hiding
underneath the smoke in the room

i saw you falling to the floor

my lullaby hung out to dry, what's up with that? it's over

can't play well enough/can't sing high enough/can't scream loud enough/can't run fast enough/can't be slim enough/can't be wise enough/can't love pure enough/
can't hurt hard enough

some men never
die some men never live

but we're all alive
tonight.

and truly, i don't weep, do you?

(i just hope he doesn't tell anybody
i'm not pretty)

something real.

I am not in a highly emotional state, in fact, though I am weakened and feeble, I must and will contemplate-

I'm not sure I've ever felt a love in this exact sense. There have been the few times where I've been close to leaving this life for good, and I felt him near to me as never before. He held me, and told me to take heart, because he had overcome the world. And now I feel him again-this man who all my life had watched me grow, and waited patiently for the day that I would open my eyes and see him there, and open my heart to him. It's been hard most of the time. I'll never understand why, but for some reason I've always preferred another man-even though I could feel him with me still- watching me longingly from a distance somewhere. Even when I moved with the other in the dark, where there was no light to be found and I was sleeping with the lie, I could hear him in my head-saying come, come take what I have to give-you don't have to offer me your body-I will love you for free, and I'll never leave you. All these other men promise the same, but they all go. They take you and leave you there alone. They touch your skin with a seduction despair. But I never have forced my love on you, because, see, my love doesn't do that. I cared so intimately and deeply for you that I could not bare to have you without your consent. I'd give anything to have you seek me. I'd even do this-when my son was born to me, I made it my will to crush him. It is the hardest thing one could ever do-to turn your face on your own child-but see Diana, that is how much I would give to have you near me. I grieve each day you run away. My heart burns and aches unending as I witness how you give yourself to these things...these books with ideas that leave you empty, these men that leave you broken, these knifes that leave you bruised...all of these things you hide behind. But why? What are you afraid of? That you will find the light I have hidden inside you? I want to be your Abba, I want to protect you like a Father. I am here, I am here always. I have written for you that when my son died, he saw his offspring-that's you. As he hung there, and as he felt every hopeless and degraded woe you have ever imagined-he saw your face, your tears and your cries-and he did it for you.

I hear this man-this beautiful man who's never, ever hit me, or stolen things from me, or left me alone-this beautiful man...saying these things, to me. The best musician I could ever desire. The most vivid creator. The brightest intellectual. The greatest mind one could ever, or ever not, imagine. This beautiful person wants to have me fall in love with Him. I don't know if I could do it...I'm so used to my habits and my sodden distractions here, who knows what could happen if I lifted my eyes and gave it all to Him? It's terrifying...but truly, something deep down is struggling to reach the surface. This vulnerability, this disappointed and disenchanted soul, something saves me. Something reaches down where I cannot breathe and gives me life.

I will lift my eyes up.
I will trust it.

"For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,' says the LORD.
'Oh afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted,
behold, I will set your stones in antimony,
and lay your foundations with sapphires...
In righteousness you shall be established;
you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear,
and from terror, for it shall not come near you."
Isaiah 54:10-11, 14

a thought on suicide-

"How can one fail to feel the basic relationship of these minds! How can one fail to see that they take their stand around a privileged and bitter moment in which hope has no further place? I want everything to be explained to me or nothing.

And the reason is impotent when it hears this cry from the heart. The mind aroused by this insistence seeks and finds nothing but contradictions and nonsense. What I fail to understand is nonsense. The world is peopled with such irrationals. The world itself, who's single meaning I do not understand, is but a vast irrational.

If one could only say just once: 'This is clear,' all would be saved. But these men vie with one another in proclaiming that nothing is clear, all is chaos, that all man has is his lucidity and his definite knowledge of the walls surrounding him.

All these experiences agree and confirm one another. The mind, when it reaches its limits, must make a judgement and choose its conclusions. This is where suicide, and the reply, stand."

-Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus

After the know, September, 2009.

see this flaming torch it burns me so
see this ashen ember grow
when this fever child is running sham-ed
eyes are bleeding red

see this rotten log crumble above me
see my palms up to the sky
Eastern winds are blowing violent
when the oceans are all dry

Oh daughters hide your faces softly
mothers shield your sons
when red skies burn and fevers blossom
will we make it past the end-

see these bruises pushing on my eyes
see my spirit broken fade
children's wails and empty caskets
leave you wanting where he laid

Oh daughters hide your faces softly
mothers shield your sons
when red skies burn and fevers blossom
will we make it past the end?????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I'LL MAKE MY OWN DEVICES

"THE ANGER THAT CAUSES THE SHAKE AND THE CRY IS FOR NOTHING BUT THIS:

I DON'T NEED YOU OR YOUR SELFISH SODDING SATURATION
SATURATION OF THE CULT SATURATION OF InEXPERIENCE
Saturations of WHAT!
(this anger, i know, will lead to the phlegmatic destruction, but)
EMPTY NOTHINGS SIT STAGNANT BETWEEN YOUR EARS
GET ME OUT OF HERE BEFORE SOMETHING FALLS
BECAUSE IT CAN ONLY BE YOU OR I
WE CANNOT COEXIST MUCH LONGER, OR I WILL FORSAKE IT ALL

i will make my own devices because everything that this stage is offering me is
ALL FOR NAUGHT
there are the ones, the few, that would have me sane
and the Real? Well he's far away-
And since I cannot find it, well, I'll just
MAKE MY OWN DEVICES
FOR WHAT ELSE CAN I DO,
WHEN I AM THE ONLY ONE I CAN TRUST?
HOW CAN I TRUST HIM TO CATCH ME?
(and don't spit your remedy here, babe)-"


"So we all
Are growing old
And it's getting old

Pressure on
Our hollow bones
And the (varicose)?

Suddenly
We decompose
But we're not alone

So we all
Are growing old
MAYBE WE'RE SEALED IN SILENCE
And maybe we feel a guidance
Maybe your own devices
Will keep you afraid and cold
But I

Memorized
Your smile lines
From left to right

(Candlelight)?
And childlike
Reaction time

We're allowed
To expire

So we all
Are growing old
PULL OUT THE FEAR of silence
And put out the need for guidance
And put out your own devices
And don't be afraid of the cold

And we sing, sing, sing.
Fight, we fight, fight.
We cry, cry, cry.
We slide, slide, we slide into the light?

Pull out the fear of silence
Put out the need for guidance
Put out your own devices
And don't be afraid of the cold
Afraid of the cold
Afraid of the time
You've got no where to go but here.""

"But oh Savannah,"
BUT GOD-

how do i get back to where i was (when you were smiling)

(don't just sit there and shake your head, just close your eyes.
it's all you can do, isn't it?)

Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?

Take what you will, what you will
And leave. Could you kill, could you kill me
If the world was on fire
and nothing was left but hope or desire
And take all that I could require, is this love?
Or am I on the floor over-desperate?
Hold hands streaming of blood again?
And then take full weight of me
Guard my dreams, figure this out,
It's me on my own. Helpless, hurting, hell.
Will you stay strong as you promised?
Cause I'm stranded and bare.
Meanness is washed up and all that I have
is God. Take this and all,
Then grace takes me to a place
Of the father you never had
Ripping and breaking and tearing apart
This is not heaven
This is my hell.

why doesn't anyone in Noro sleep

Little light lead us through the night
And if we die burn down the forest
Chariots, carry us
Distances we don't care to walk

I'm on my way to hell
I'm on my way to hell

Why doesn't anyone in Noro sleep
Are they all just scared of their dreams
When they lay down their heads down at night
What are they haunted by
Why won't anyone just close their eyes
Could it hurt them to rest for a while
Do they need their friend to be a lover
Or their lover to be a friend

(Because)
I'm on my way to hell
(Well I've tried, God knows that I've tried)
I'm on my way to hell
(One time, Two time, Three time again)

Sitting duck
Running out of luck
And I got stuck on the train crossing
How am I ever gonna know peace
How will I ever see the light through the trees
I wanna burn down everything we begun
I wanna kill and eat my young

(Because)
I'm on my way to hell
(Well I've tried, God knows that I've tried)
I'm on my way to hell
(One time, Two time, Three time again)
I'm on my way to hell
(Well I've tried, God knows that I've tried)
I'm on my way to hell
(One time, Two time, Three time again)

I'm on my way to hell

Jesse Lacey

i swear i'd do anything,

and these tears are falling, not because of what i have done because of what i continue to do-

how many times, how many circumstances will approach that do invite me to share myself-
no, not share, give

how many times will i lose myself for someone's music, their feel,
their philosophies of pain

/Nietzsche and Kierkegaard continuously fight for my soul/

"My words will tear new scars where the old ones used to end.
Will you be wounded again and do you remember?"

i live and learn, and don't learn.

all will be well, but God help me-
these scars will not heal,
they continue to break and glow
and the nerves are raw...

Danse Macabre-

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."

-Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, Aphorism 146

(Dostoevsky, Kierkegaard, Nietzsche or Kafka? Whom shall I pay the most heed?)

Listening to Totentanz, and tomorrow will be reminded of the light by Tchaikovsky...

sono vicino la ferma?

(I assess the power of a will by how much resistance, pain, torture it endures and knows how to turn to its advantage.)


Friedrich Nietzsche

gasoline

for he has not despised or abhorred the afflictions of the afflicted, and he has not hidden his face from him, but has heard, when he cried to him-

when these violent delights meet violent ends-

(C#m, tell yourself as you're searching the ground, nobody cares, nobody cares-)

"If affection is made the absolute sovereign of a human life, the seeds will germinate. Love, having become a god, becomes a demon." (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves)

Abba, Father, Daddy, King, -

How does one battle not the plights of circumstance, but the inertly fallen curse of love? To be in want of affection? How, indeed? For it is not the condition, situation or incident that is my demon, it is the ghost of things had, things longed for; things remembered violently that angst me. It is the inner core of a struggle against the give-love, and the need-love, the selfishly and selflessly created hurt in a masochism of hope.

This hope is killing you, Diana.
Well, dum spiro, spero- As long as I breathe, I hope.

And Neitzsche...Hope is the worst of evils, because it prolongs the torment of a man...

Dearest friend, you were so alone, and aren't we all-

Bipolarity. Perverted dichotomies of what should be and what is. The wheels in my mind will always turn a certain way, whether I will them to or not. It's inert, I can't change it, but I can't accept it, I won't forfeit myself to this legion, even as they all scream my name in regards to the lack of solidarity and curse of HOPE-and then, what is left?

The same as you: more confusion, torment and hopelessness than when I began.
b u t g o d -

(hope
in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God)-

are your wonders known in this place of darkness-oh God, but they are-

(and i've lost who i am, and i can't understand why my heart is so broken, this rejecting Your love)-

ALL SAID AND DONE I STAND ALONE, ALONE, AND IT'S BETTER THIS WAY

all said and done i stand alone
amongst remains of A LIFE I SHOULD NOT OWN
it takes all i am to believe in the mercy that covers me

god(please)damn this black night, god(won't You)damn the daylight
it's too much to bear my load and your weights too
i can't hack it, i remember now why selfish happens

what.i.have.set.before.you.is.not.too.difficult.for.you.

God you have given me intellect, you have given me choices, you have given me
resistance and a way out, escape route-
but these agonies show no light in the end of this drain
all i have is the fading light deep inside, so dim i can barely make it out
you've robbed me of my senses, i pray that when all external perception fails and fades
You will still be there, throwing traffic cones in my direction, screaming
LOOK OUT, THE END IS NEAR, DON'T GO, DON'T GO, DON'T GO,

and somewhere, someone will be violently whispering
with the purest voice

take heart, little Christy,
For I Have Overcome The World-

sirens at night in cold air

we are the cancer, yes
we are the virus
tell me it's not too late, oh God,
tell me it's not too late-

and pretending i don't feel misplaced-

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
PRETENDING I DON'T FEEL MISPLACED-
It's so much simpler than change

[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

-Chester wrote this one.

I HAVE FELT THE SAME.

catch your breath hit the wall
scream out loud as you start to crawl
back in your cage the only place
where they will leave you alone
because the weak will seek the weaker until they've broken them
could you get it back again
Would it be the same?
fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense
left you with no defense they tore it down and

I HAVE FELT THE SAME AS YOU
I HAVE FELT THE SAME AS YOU
I HAVE FELT THE SAME-

locked inside the only place
where you feel sheltered where you feel safe
you lost yourself in your search to find
something else to hide behind
the fearful always preyed upon your confidence
did they see the consequence when they pushed you around
the arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
breaking them 'til they've become just another crown

refuse to feel, anything at all
refuse to slip, refuse to fall
can't be weak, can't stand still
watch your back
because no one will

you don't know why they had to go This far
TRADED YOUR WORTH FOR THESE SCARS
for your only company
don't believe the lies that they told to you
Yeah not one word was true you're alright,
you're alright, you're alright

-Simon

2.3.

choking out to such a piano riff,
i try to snap back to reality
and witness the bile that characterizes this situation
this cycle of love and madness
and i'm fallin and ballin so hard the breath is a joke

I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regret

the same song/the same muse/the same shipwreck-

these choices long prior made and decided
are killing me,
and today when the old friend told me
"diana, this hope is killing you"
i listened
and knew
that unless something changed,
he was right.

THE THINGS WE LAID DO NOT AMOUNT TO MUCH-

we are the fake,
we are the damned
and the damned will not be heard here
any longer

and,

That's when it turned on me
A motorcade of 'meant to be's'
Parades of beauty queens
Where soft entwines make kindling
These many detailed things
LIKE BROKEN NAILS AND PLASTIC RINGS
Will win by keeping me
From speaking to my new darling
And there's no way to know
Our future foe scenarios
That's when it turned on me
Where bobby pins hold angel wings

w h e r e a r e y o u g o i n g

this [apprehensive] carefree could very possibly
be more dangerous than this recent affliction,
and yet i find myself remaining here-

g o d b l e s s t h e l o s t c a u s e s

Trois Pensées

Un: Wet piano keys are not the answer

Deux: i'm soddingly tired of this testing of faith

Trois: god[please]damn this inhumanistic dependence

"trust your souls to a faithful creator in doing what is right."

HOW?

i am still here

"I call this Divine humility because it is a poor thing to strike our colours to God when the ship is going down under us; a poor thing to come to Him as a last resort, to offer up 'our own' when it is no longer worth keeping. If God were proud, He would hardly have us on such terms: but He is not proud, He stoops to conquer, He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him, and come to Him because there is "nothing better" now to be had."

-Clive Staples Lewis, The Problem of Pain (1940)

Father God, Forgive me. In this rare moment of clarity, I cannot believe it, I cannot see it, and yet I earnestly ask:
If it takes this torment and strife to feel your presence cradling my very soul, to where yet again i find you sheltering me in the shadow of your wings, I ask you would keep me here for as long as it takes. There is beauty in this rain, it is so beautiful, because, in a sense, I am seeing Your compassion in a way like I never have before...

there is no rest

life feels different when you're wasting affections

there may be no rest, but there is always hope-

THERE'S ALWAYS A SIREN SINGING YOU TO SHIPWRECK (but God, and one year later) -

8.28.09 - 9.15.10
so much has changed; so much remains the same-

We spoke of wrists that burn, loves that leave gaping holes, and a gentler day to come; we shared the space, making plans of friendship and hope, and I kissed her on the shoulder-

God-

(it's me again).

I was not aware that feeling such a multitude of different emotions/opinions/affections was indeed possible by a lowly human. Am I simply a lover of sights and sounds, or may I somehow achieve a transcendent knowledge of You, so that when I find myself thrashing for help, I may know in the raw core of myself that You are there?

(she appears composed, so she is, i suppose. who can really tell) -

Christ my trials are lofty, and comical in the face of the stripes you bore. And what do I bare these lines for? Who am I helping endure? How can I further your kingdom? Oh God, if somehow this could only be for Your glory-

I paint these words and play these notes in vain if I may not come out the better in the end, Father they say I am strong (God is good and you are strong) but how? I see her scars and i feel them, why can't we fix each other? The breath comes in gasps/the lone tear blackens the face/the existential loneliness hides under the bones and i need you more than yesterday,

(when i'm at the pearly gates, this will be on my videotape)

Daddy the flesh screams to me, and I don't want to be this vulnerable. The fluttery feelings have flown but the deep seeded rejection remains, I don't want to be the lover they don't have to love, the circles whisper as does the blade-the dull scissors as a precaution to preserve the life that a few have placed so much hope in-
(Christ what if i only let them down?)

i am so easily given/i am so easily taken and by this she means the same thing-

(don't reach out, don't reach out, don't reach out, there's always a siren singing you to shipwreck, Diana)

I am writing without aim. But will somehow be alright -do you see it? She's still singing- because I choose now to serve Him, God is hiding me in his shadow, and I will make it. I will forgive those who hurt me, and I will love them more than I could ever imagine, and Christ will make the impossible circumstance beautiful and He will use it to his glory (God, I beg you, use this pain to your glory, do not let me weep in vain-)

My family. My loved ones, my friends. My voice.
My grades and discipline. Money.
The wrists that scream.
The flesh that calls.

God I give you these things, are earnestly beg you to take them and fix them in ways I have attempted and failed for 24 years. Father take this shoddy echo of a life and give it purpose. May my voice please you again. May you hold my heart and use it to love others in the way you have called me to. Jesus, you promised me you'd be with me, even unto the end of the age. Father, please hold me close and still my breaths-

No matter what happens now
I won't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day
I've ever seen