when these violent delights meet violent ends-

(C#m, tell yourself as you're searching the ground, nobody cares, nobody cares-)

"If affection is made the absolute sovereign of a human life, the seeds will germinate. Love, having become a god, becomes a demon." (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves)

Abba, Father, Daddy, King, -

How does one battle not the plights of circumstance, but the inertly fallen curse of love? To be in want of affection? How, indeed? For it is not the condition, situation or incident that is my demon, it is the ghost of things had, things longed for; things remembered violently that angst me. It is the inner core of a struggle against the give-love, and the need-love, the selfishly and selflessly created hurt in a masochism of hope.

This hope is killing you, Diana.
Well, dum spiro, spero- As long as I breathe, I hope.

And Neitzsche...Hope is the worst of evils, because it prolongs the torment of a man...

Dearest friend, you were so alone, and aren't we all-

Bipolarity. Perverted dichotomies of what should be and what is. The wheels in my mind will always turn a certain way, whether I will them to or not. It's inert, I can't change it, but I can't accept it, I won't forfeit myself to this legion, even as they all scream my name in regards to the lack of solidarity and curse of HOPE-and then, what is left?

The same as you: more confusion, torment and hopelessness than when I began.
b u t g o d -

(hope
in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God)-

are your wonders known in this place of darkness-oh God, but they are-

(and i've lost who i am, and i can't understand why my heart is so broken, this rejecting Your love)-

ALL SAID AND DONE I STAND ALONE, ALONE, AND IT'S BETTER THIS WAY

all said and done i stand alone
amongst remains of A LIFE I SHOULD NOT OWN
it takes all i am to believe in the mercy that covers me

god(please)damn this black night, god(won't You)damn the daylight
it's too much to bear my load and your weights too
i can't hack it, i remember now why selfish happens

what.i.have.set.before.you.is.not.too.difficult.for.you.

God you have given me intellect, you have given me choices, you have given me
resistance and a way out, escape route-
but these agonies show no light in the end of this drain
all i have is the fading light deep inside, so dim i can barely make it out
you've robbed me of my senses, i pray that when all external perception fails and fades
You will still be there, throwing traffic cones in my direction, screaming
LOOK OUT, THE END IS NEAR, DON'T GO, DON'T GO, DON'T GO,

and somewhere, someone will be violently whispering
with the purest voice

take heart, little Christy,
For I Have Overcome The World-

sirens at night in cold air

we are the cancer, yes
we are the virus
tell me it's not too late, oh God,
tell me it's not too late-

and pretending i don't feel misplaced-

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
PRETENDING I DON'T FEEL MISPLACED-
It's so much simpler than change

[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

-Chester wrote this one.

I HAVE FELT THE SAME.

catch your breath hit the wall
scream out loud as you start to crawl
back in your cage the only place
where they will leave you alone
because the weak will seek the weaker until they've broken them
could you get it back again
Would it be the same?
fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense
left you with no defense they tore it down and

I HAVE FELT THE SAME AS YOU
I HAVE FELT THE SAME AS YOU
I HAVE FELT THE SAME-

locked inside the only place
where you feel sheltered where you feel safe
you lost yourself in your search to find
something else to hide behind
the fearful always preyed upon your confidence
did they see the consequence when they pushed you around
the arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
breaking them 'til they've become just another crown

refuse to feel, anything at all
refuse to slip, refuse to fall
can't be weak, can't stand still
watch your back
because no one will

you don't know why they had to go This far
TRADED YOUR WORTH FOR THESE SCARS
for your only company
don't believe the lies that they told to you
Yeah not one word was true you're alright,
you're alright, you're alright

-Simon

2.3.

choking out to such a piano riff,
i try to snap back to reality
and witness the bile that characterizes this situation
this cycle of love and madness
and i'm fallin and ballin so hard the breath is a joke

I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regret

the same song/the same muse/the same shipwreck-

these choices long prior made and decided
are killing me,
and today when the old friend told me
"diana, this hope is killing you"
i listened
and knew
that unless something changed,
he was right.