27.9.09

Trois Pensées

Un: Wet piano keys are not the answer

Deux: i'm soddingly tired of this testing of faith

Trois: god[please]damn this inhumanistic dependence

"trust your souls to a faithful creator in doing what is right."

HOW?

22.9.09

i am still here


"I call this Divine humility because it is a poor thing to strike our colours to God when the ship is going down under us; a poor thing to come to Him as a last resort, to offer up 'our own' when it is no longer worth keeping. If God were proud, He would hardly have us on such terms: but He is not proud, He stoops to conquer, He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him, and come to Him because there is "nothing better" now to be had."

-Clive Staples Lewis, The Problem of Pain (1940)

Father God, Forgive me. In this rare moment of clarity, I cannot believe it, I cannot see it, and yet I earnestly ask:
If it takes this torment and strife to feel your presence cradling my very soul, to where yet again i find you sheltering me in the shadow of your wings, I ask you would keep me here for as long as it takes. There is beauty in this rain, it is so beautiful, because, in a sense, I am seeing Your compassion in a way like I never have before...

15.9.09

there is no rest


life feels different when you're wasting affections

there may be no rest, but there is always hope-

12.9.09

THERE'S ALWAYS A SIREN SINGING YOU TO SHIPWRECK (but God, and one year later) -


8.28.09 - 9.15.10
so much has changed; so much remains the same-

We spoke of wrists that burn, loves that leave gaping holes, and a gentler day to come; we shared the space, making plans of friendship and hope, and I kissed her on the shoulder-

God-

(it's me again).

I was not aware that feeling such a multitude of different emotions/opinions/affections was indeed possible by a lowly human. Am I simply a lover of sights and sounds, or may I somehow achieve a transcendent knowledge of You, so that when I find myself thrashing for help, I may know in the raw core of myself that You are there?

(she appears composed, so she is, i suppose. who can really tell) -

Christ my trials are lofty, and comical in the face of the stripes you bore. And what do I bare these lines for? Who am I helping endure? How can I further your kingdom? Oh God, if somehow this could only be for Your glory-

I paint these words and play these notes in vain if I may not come out the better in the end, Father they say I am strong (God is good and you are strong) but how? I see her scars and i feel them, why can't we fix each other? The breath comes in gasps/the lone tear blackens the face/the existential loneliness hides under the bones and i need you more than yesterday,

(when i'm at the pearly gates, this will be on my videotape)

Daddy the flesh screams to me, and I don't want to be this vulnerable. The fluttery feelings have flown but the deep seeded rejection remains, I don't want to be the lover they don't have to love, the circles whisper as does the blade-the dull scissors as a precaution to preserve the life that a few have placed so much hope in-
(Christ what if i only let them down?)

i am so easily given/i am so easily taken and by this she means the same thing-

(don't reach out, don't reach out, don't reach out, there's always a siren singing you to shipwreck, Diana)

I am writing without aim. But will somehow be alright -do you see it? She's still singing- because I choose now to serve Him, God is hiding me in his shadow, and I will make it. I will forgive those who hurt me, and I will love them more than I could ever imagine, and Christ will make the impossible circumstance beautiful and He will use it to his glory (God, I beg you, use this pain to your glory, do not let me weep in vain-)

My family. My loved ones, my friends. My voice.
My grades and discipline. Money.
The wrists that scream.
The flesh that calls.

God I give you these things, are earnestly beg you to take them and fix them in ways I have attempted and failed for 24 years. Father take this shoddy echo of a life and give it purpose. May my voice please you again. May you hold my heart and use it to love others in the way you have called me to. Jesus, you promised me you'd be with me, even unto the end of the age. Father, please hold me close and still my breaths-

No matter what happens now
I won't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day
I've ever seen

5.9.09

humanity, you never had it anyway


oh clove, the moon and the Cure
this portuguese dark rhythym breathes sordid beats in my ears
i have so much to say and absolutely no way to say it
what have i done to bring about this curse

i'll tell you what i did,
i looked for it in all the wrong places
everything i hear is like liquid smoke
which forms ecstasy and agony entwined
how do i make it go, how do i make it go,
how do i feel indifferently

why aren't my eyes black enough, i have never lied to you,
but, if we are being honest here, i suppose
i have also never told you anything true

o, let me tell you what i've done
o, if i could whisper you what i've done

you wouldn't believe me if i told you
and worse

it wouldn't matter