i wish to god i didn't

"To think that I would die this time
Isolated in the room where the bed rises
Photographic ordinary people are everywhere
Extraordinary histories, ordinary histories, ordinary histories

I'll find sleep, I'll find peace, or in death you'll sleep with me.

To figure that it was my fault
Or so I've come to realize life is not about
Love with someone - (ordinary people are everywhere)
Extraordinary people are, ordinary people are, ordinary people are

Everywhere you look, everywhere you turn, illness is watching, waiting its turn.

Did I go at it wrong?
Did I go intentionally to destroy me?
I'm suffering in noise I'm suffering in - (touching ordinary body)
The burning from within the burning from with - (ordinary is scary now)
I could not be at rest, I could not be at peace - (extraordinary is scary now)

So do yourself a good, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes
Or do yourself a favor, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes

ENDLESS LIGHTS PREY UPON THE LONELY, PREY UPON THE LONELY

Weightless lights, oh, I would rather be, but I would rather be fine

I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well.

And I forgive you even
As you choke me that way
With the pill or demon and the shrouding ?
Under conversation
In tremendous weight of
A crowd of ages outside
Dressed for murder

I'm not fucking around
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not fucking around

And shall I kiss you even as you take me that way?
With the pill or demon as my body changes
Apparitions gone awry
They surround me, all sides
From what am I seeing, only changes

I'm not fucking around
I'm not, I'm not,

I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND"

-SS

I wish to God I didn't, but now I get it.

and for all the pain and love which it entails -

Go Long; Joanna Newsom : 20844 Vanowen St.

Daphne Descends; Smashing Pumpkins: Corbin and Sherman Way

Question!; System of a Down : Jeremy's apartment

How Soon Is Now; The Smiths : a bar in Fort Worth, Tx.

Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me: ibid : A club in Echo Park

NARC; Interpol: The Paramount in Seattle/Space 20 in Hollywood

Politik; Coldplay : The ferry bench of Seattle, WA

King of Carrot Flowers; Neutral Milk Hotel : Camping with the commune, Castaic Lake

Burn, Don't Freeze; Sleater-Kinney : on the way to Charlie O's

Map of The Problematique; MUSE : Loma Verde Ave, Canoga Park

(and for all the pain and love which it entails - )

Daphne descends ("It's Not What You Think") -

With the sugar sickness You spy the kidnap kid Who kids you to oblivion It's the perfect hassle For the perfumed kiss HE MAKES YOU MISS HIM MORE THAN HOME You love him You love him more than this You love him and you cannot, you can't resist You love him You love him for yourself You love him and no one, no one else Past sidewalk ashes A last lovers arc You come apart to intertwine It was all so simple As you watched him move Across the darkness in your room You love him You love him for youself You love him and no one, no one else And the winding vines The pretty boys dive And thru the pinhole stars Into the shadow mind You will lose him then On some gentle dawn This boy is here and gone You love him You love him for yourself You love him and no one, no one else You love him You love him more than this You love him and you cannot, you can't resist

thanks Mr.Corgan

(and this is truly the challenge)

"And this is truly the challenge, for releasing the other into freedom, not demanding their reciprocation of your service and care is to place oneself in a posture of radical vulnerability. To love without seeking to possess is to live precariously. Such a mode of living cannot guarantee the outcome longed for. Of course, living by possession and domination cannot guarantee it either, though somehow we are easily seduced into thinking it can. But the truth is that all our strategies for control cannot secure our longings in any lasting way. These strategies and efforts are the heavy yoke of slavery and death. The vulnerable way of agape, of cruciform, kenotic love cannot promise the sort of fulfillment we often long for, just as the cross cannot guarantee the resurrection. However, such an ethic of self-dispossession is the only way for us to live in a manner that is open to receiving the divine gifts of communion that we have tasted in Christ."

http://www.inhabitatiodei.com/2008/07/07/bonhoeffer-and-the-theology-of-romantic-love/

Painfully, irreconcilably poignant. What would love look like, had we the capability to even conceive of putting the other first, above our own soiled desires?

There is beauty in the breakdown; and (but God) -