you are a vapour trail

[ this is what i have ]

First you look so strong,

Then you fade away.

The sun will blind my eyes,

I love you anyway.

First you form a smile,

I watch you for a while.

You are a vapour trail,

In a deep blue sky.

Tremble with a sigh,

Glitter in your eye.

You seem to come and go,

I never seem to know.

And all my time,

is yours as much as mine.

We never have enough,

Time to show our love.

-Ride

Vapour Trail - Ride cover at Just for kicks street by dianachristinehereld

the way is to climb

Dear Fate,

You may tear the flesh from my chest piece by piece, leaving me with naught but a bloody mess

You can cut everything I love into jagged shards, so that I become blind and cannot see the end

And you may steal everyone I hold dear, so all that's left would seem a dim fragment of a woman once known vibrant

But you will never conquer me. You will never take my memories, or my love, or my hope. You may not have them.

They are mine to keep. I can now only wait for hope to flee Pandora's box. There is always hope.

"the way is to climb
the way is to lie still
and let the moon do its work on your body

and then to rise
through forests and oceans of lives
and through the way of the black rocks, splitting, wide,
and flow
ten thousand miles."

well, i've had enough,
wasting my body, my life
I'LL COME AWAY, COME AWAY FROM THE SHALLOWS-

but can this sullen child,
as bound as the ox that i ride,
climb to the heart of the white wind, singing, high,
and blow
through my frozen eyes?"

there are different kinds of alone

AND JESUS CHRIST THE CHORUS KNOWS IT

Well, I've been absorbed in mediocrity
Been hollowed by uncertainty
I've taken all of my beliefs
And given them up
Cause there's no guarantee
Of a god of longevity
Admit you don't know anything
And give it up

Singing, I don't know if I've been reborn,
Lived a past life, suffered in another time,
I don't know

Give it up, give it up, give it up

Well I don't know what to believe anymore
But every now and then I feel a moment of awakening
But then it's gone, then it's gone, then it's gone
I'm blanketed by the warmth of ignorance

Singing, I don't know if I've been reborn,
Lived a past life, suffered in another time,
I don't know

If I'll go somewhere special when I die
If I'll go somewhere special when I die
So I'll just go on living my way

There's a strength in duality
Penetrate mentality
Give it up, give it up
Learn from casualty
Don't have faith in anything
Give it up, give it up

Singing, I don't know if I've been reborn,
Lived a past life, suffered in another time,
I don't know

If I'll go somewhere special when I die
If I'll go somewhere special when I die

where have you gone?

What Sarah Said, and The Void

"And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me"

So who's going to watch you die?..

Tonight, I watched this. And for the first time in my life, I felt nothing.

And yet, this soft child's voice whispers to me-

there is always hope.

ALL IS FULL OF LOVE

Following a good glance through the past, I found that I have rarely shared fully comprehensible/non-abstract thoughts in this space. Well, I suppose that's what "blogging" can be for anyway, so I'll give it a go, just for tonight.

There is nothing special about this evening, it is peaceful and calm where I am. It is quiet, and I am reasonably alone. I'm not sure who will view this, but my trusty stats page tells me the faithful few I have from university, Stockholm and Sydney probably will. Either way, I find this cathartic, so here I go.

I've experienced quite a bit in the past few years. I suppose I've dealt with a few of the same situations repeating themselves from time to time, be it financial strife, brief bouts of supposed mental instability or turmoil, loss of love, loss of a loved one, or the age-old crisis of faith: the "Sorry, what am I doing here again?" I guess many of these feelings and emotions are a bit magnified at present, because they seem to have come as a party, altogether and at once over the past few months. They don't understand I prefer to entertain individually, because someone can only put on a pretty facade for so long. Unfortunately, sometimes we have no say in the matter.

I am in its midst, I believe. I am in trouble's nucleus, I'm afraid, and I'm not positive how to safely leave this place. I've taken the wisdom that if one exits too quickly, casualties are a risk. People could get hurt. I could get hurt. A bit of a catch 22, it seems, for lying trapped in the center has shown to cause pain, and yet throwing the towel in (or, running away, as it were) feels the far less desirable option. I am in this place and I do not know what to do.

I am in this place and I do not know what to do. What I do know? That we are strong. We are not as strong as we think we are, and yet, we exceed our expectations of our own personal courage every day, some of us. I do not know what will happen when I am an old woman, or when I meet someone who will love me, or tomorrow. I do not know what God intends for me, or if God intends for me. I'm not sure how long I will provide for only myself, but I do keep going. I get up every morning, and I move. And I see beauty. Everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere. Where you'd most and least expect. I'm not finished yet. The fates may laugh and dance together at the prospect of my demise, or my friends and the ones I love, but we're not finished. All is full of love.

I will close in this way. Sometimes, as I have stated, I find myself at a loss as to how to "carry on," or simply keep going. If you know me, you know what this video and concept means to me, but if not, allow me to show you. Maybe you will see it for yourself. For this concept, and this beauty, I live and I breath and I love. When I fail, day and day again, I will seek grace, and I will love. No matter the pain, no matter the consequence, no matter the death.

All Is Full Of Love.

in a thousand years, or maybe a week

Out at the train tracks I dream of escape
But a song comes onto my iPod
And I realize it's getting late

I can't take the staring and the sympathy
And I don't like the questions,
"How do you feel?"
"How's it going in school?"
"Do you wanna talk about it?"

Way out, way out of here
Fade out,
Fade out, vanish

I'll try to forget you
And I know that I will
In a thousand years
Or maybe a week

I'll burn all your pictures
Cut out your face

The shutters are down and the curtains are closed
And I've covered my tracks
Disposed of the car

And I'll try to forget even your name
And the way that you look when you're sleeping,
And dreaming of this

Way out, way out of here
Fade out,
Fade out, vanish

-Steven Wilson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgd1v01lFyA

give me a way out

i shall never leave this must that tempts and dies to find me damned

1111

We're both trapped but I'm the one who's bleeding

We're both suffocating but I'm the one who'll die

I don't trust You and I trust myself even less

So

here

we

are

Not. Yet.

WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING UP

REMEMBER WHY YOU HELD ON SO LONG IN THE FIRST PLACE

and i remember

And if I didn't have You as my guide, I'd still wander lost in Sinai
Or down by the tracks watching trains go by
To remind me: there are places that aren't here.
And I had a well but all the water left,
So I'll go ask Your forgiveness with every breath,
And if there was no way into God,
I would never have laid in this grave of a body...so long, dear.

-mwY

Amoryn, March 2009, When The Bottles Break

i wish to god i didn't

"To think that I would die this time
Isolated in the room where the bed rises
Photographic ordinary people are everywhere
Extraordinary histories, ordinary histories, ordinary histories

I'll find sleep, I'll find peace, or in death you'll sleep with me.

To figure that it was my fault
Or so I've come to realize life is not about
Love with someone - (ordinary people are everywhere)
Extraordinary people are, ordinary people are, ordinary people are

Everywhere you look, everywhere you turn, illness is watching, waiting its turn.

Did I go at it wrong?
Did I go intentionally to destroy me?
I'm suffering in noise I'm suffering in - (touching ordinary body)
The burning from within the burning from with - (ordinary is scary now)
I could not be at rest, I could not be at peace - (extraordinary is scary now)

So do yourself a good, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes
Or do yourself a favor, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes

ENDLESS LIGHTS PREY UPON THE LONELY, PREY UPON THE LONELY

Weightless lights, oh, I would rather be, but I would rather be fine

I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well.

And I forgive you even
As you choke me that way
With the pill or demon and the shrouding ?
Under conversation
In tremendous weight of
A crowd of ages outside
Dressed for murder

I'm not fucking around
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not fucking around

And shall I kiss you even as you take me that way?
With the pill or demon as my body changes
Apparitions gone awry
They surround me, all sides
From what am I seeing, only changes

I'm not fucking around
I'm not, I'm not,

I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND"

-SS

I wish to God I didn't, but now I get it.

and for all the pain and love which it entails -

Go Long; Joanna Newsom : 20844 Vanowen St.

Daphne Descends; Smashing Pumpkins: Corbin and Sherman Way

Question!; System of a Down : Jeremy's apartment

How Soon Is Now; The Smiths : a bar in Fort Worth, Tx.

Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me: ibid : A club in Echo Park

NARC; Interpol: The Paramount in Seattle/Space 20 in Hollywood

Politik; Coldplay : The ferry bench of Seattle, WA

King of Carrot Flowers; Neutral Milk Hotel : Camping with the commune, Castaic Lake

Burn, Don't Freeze; Sleater-Kinney : on the way to Charlie O's

Map of The Problematique; MUSE : Loma Verde Ave, Canoga Park

(and for all the pain and love which it entails - )

Daphne descends ("It's Not What You Think") -

With the sugar sickness You spy the kidnap kid Who kids you to oblivion It's the perfect hassle For the perfumed kiss HE MAKES YOU MISS HIM MORE THAN HOME You love him You love him more than this You love him and you cannot, you can't resist You love him You love him for yourself You love him and no one, no one else Past sidewalk ashes A last lovers arc You come apart to intertwine It was all so simple As you watched him move Across the darkness in your room You love him You love him for youself You love him and no one, no one else And the winding vines The pretty boys dive And thru the pinhole stars Into the shadow mind You will lose him then On some gentle dawn This boy is here and gone You love him You love him for yourself You love him and no one, no one else You love him You love him more than this You love him and you cannot, you can't resist

thanks Mr.Corgan

(and this is truly the challenge)

"And this is truly the challenge, for releasing the other into freedom, not demanding their reciprocation of your service and care is to place oneself in a posture of radical vulnerability. To love without seeking to possess is to live precariously. Such a mode of living cannot guarantee the outcome longed for. Of course, living by possession and domination cannot guarantee it either, though somehow we are easily seduced into thinking it can. But the truth is that all our strategies for control cannot secure our longings in any lasting way. These strategies and efforts are the heavy yoke of slavery and death. The vulnerable way of agape, of cruciform, kenotic love cannot promise the sort of fulfillment we often long for, just as the cross cannot guarantee the resurrection. However, such an ethic of self-dispossession is the only way for us to live in a manner that is open to receiving the divine gifts of communion that we have tasted in Christ."

http://www.inhabitatiodei.com/2008/07/07/bonhoeffer-and-the-theology-of-romantic-love/

Painfully, irreconcilably poignant. What would love look like, had we the capability to even conceive of putting the other first, above our own soiled desires?

There is beauty in the breakdown; and (but God) -