THERE'S ALWAYS A SIREN SINGING YOU TO SHIPWRECK (but God, and one year later) -

8.28.09 - 9.15.10
so much has changed; so much remains the same-

We spoke of wrists that burn, loves that leave gaping holes, and a gentler day to come; we shared the space, making plans of friendship and hope, and I kissed her on the shoulder-

God-

(it's me again).

I was not aware that feeling such a multitude of different emotions/opinions/affections was indeed possible by a lowly human. Am I simply a lover of sights and sounds, or may I somehow achieve a transcendent knowledge of You, so that when I find myself thrashing for help, I may know in the raw core of myself that You are there?

(she appears composed, so she is, i suppose. who can really tell) -

Christ my trials are lofty, and comical in the face of the stripes you bore. And what do I bare these lines for? Who am I helping endure? How can I further your kingdom? Oh God, if somehow this could only be for Your glory-

I paint these words and play these notes in vain if I may not come out the better in the end, Father they say I am strong (God is good and you are strong) but how? I see her scars and i feel them, why can't we fix each other? The breath comes in gasps/the lone tear blackens the face/the existential loneliness hides under the bones and i need you more than yesterday,

(when i'm at the pearly gates, this will be on my videotape)

Daddy the flesh screams to me, and I don't want to be this vulnerable. The fluttery feelings have flown but the deep seeded rejection remains, I don't want to be the lover they don't have to love, the circles whisper as does the blade-the dull scissors as a precaution to preserve the life that a few have placed so much hope in-
(Christ what if i only let them down?)

i am so easily given/i am so easily taken and by this she means the same thing-

(don't reach out, don't reach out, don't reach out, there's always a siren singing you to shipwreck, Diana)

I am writing without aim. But will somehow be alright -do you see it? She's still singing- because I choose now to serve Him, God is hiding me in his shadow, and I will make it. I will forgive those who hurt me, and I will love them more than I could ever imagine, and Christ will make the impossible circumstance beautiful and He will use it to his glory (God, I beg you, use this pain to your glory, do not let me weep in vain-)

My family. My loved ones, my friends. My voice.
My grades and discipline. Money.
The wrists that scream.
The flesh that calls.

God I give you these things, are earnestly beg you to take them and fix them in ways I have attempted and failed for 24 years. Father take this shoddy echo of a life and give it purpose. May my voice please you again. May you hold my heart and use it to love others in the way you have called me to. Jesus, you promised me you'd be with me, even unto the end of the age. Father, please hold me close and still my breaths-

No matter what happens now
I won't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day
I've ever seen